23/06/28

tw:

- mentions loosely related to eating disorders/unhealthy eating, nothing encouraging just may be triggering to those in recovery

- addiction

I graduated. I stood there and I shook a liars hand and smiled about it while accepting his half-assed "schooling" that he paid no contribution to.

Now what. Do I do what I've been telling everybody I was totally actually planning to do as soon as I graduated? Do I recluse deeper into my addictions? Hell do I find new ones?

I've lost a lot of weight. I hadn't fully noticed. 40 lbs. I don't look anything like myself. I don't recognize myself when I look in the mirror. I've lost melanin everywhere. Granted my hair was dyed in the older photos I've been staring at, so it's not fantastic to go off of, but my skin has gotten sickly. I hate it. I look like a corpse.

It wasn't right though, I am not disgusted with myself in a way I want to change, this is better. I'd rather look how I feel than have everybody insisting I'm fine. I'd rather look like a patient than act like one. No one needs to worry, I'm not unsafe by any means, as much as I look and feel like shit I can assure you I'm not dying, and I'm not planning to.

I'm free now but what in gods name does giving freedom to me mean? I've had something close to freedom during the lockdowns, but even then it was filled with nothing but constant harm. Freedom in the past has always meant me as a person crumbling in a matter of weeks, every summer crawling back to school malnourished and under-stimulated because I'd been bedridden for days just before. Everything's always a bloody act.

I wish everyone could forget who I am and I could go back to being the weird 12 year old starting roleplays in google+. I wish I could finally hear "alright you've done enough, you can go outside" after all this mindless work. I'm tired.