I don’t want to get better

I don’t want to get better

Yeah i know that sounds wrong but it’s just the harsh reality of what I truly want

I’ve always said that “I’m going to get better” “all I what is to get better” “I’ll get better soon” but it’s all lies, lies that I say to peoples faces, over text, in calls, to people that mean so much to me and we’re the only reason why I even said those words in the first place

I just don’t want to get better, getting better just seems like a nightmare, I’ll only be lying to people more by trying to be someone and something I’m not

My lowest is my highest and my highest is my lowest 

Death is freedom and life is confinement 

I miss being unwell and at my lowest

Where the harm felt good, the coldness of the shiny sliver blade gliding across my skin, the rush of the drugs and alcohol in my system, the tears in my eyes and the tension of my chest felt exhilarating, the crash after the high, the stinging and puffiness while the crimson red liquid ran down in drops and dribbles down my skin 

Typing all this down is making me think of just how sick I really am, of how disgusting I am for wanting this but I just don’t care, it’s not about what people want for my life it’s about what I want for my life and not getting better is one of them 

I don’t want to get better.