giant word dump

something that kind of always made me feel icky throughout my life is the kind of people that liked me and stuff. for some reason, i always attract people who either didn’t understand “NO” or just lacked boundaries/an understanding of boundaries. and idk it kind of makes me feel sick to the stomach to think about because everyone who liked me weren’t good people and they weren’t even respectful towards me either. so obviously, i rejected everyone that liked me.

sometimes i’ve had people talk down on me for not liking others or never dating, which is honestly so fucking dumb. i think it’s dumb how people tend to put a large focus on dating and having a crush on someone, especially when you’re a teenager. and as much as i actually take pride in the fact that i don’t get into meaningless relationships like others my age, it also makes me feel isolated. like.. all these people, who are supposedly just like me, are dating and stuff while i just don’t understand the appeal of it. honestly, it kinda grosses me out too. like, why is everyone my age getting into sexual relationships at such an early age?? why do people my age go out and vape or drink?? i don’t understand why they wanna act so grown. and this isn’t me tryna shit on people for what they do. you can do whatever you want, i’m not gonna harass you for it lol. i just don’t understand it.

i also kinda feel bad about the fact that everyone who has liked me only barely knew me (either they rarely talked to me or just met me within a day to a few days). like. i get that some people might see that as just having w rizz or whatever lol, but it makes me feel bad because these people only ‘like’ me due to my appearance or some other reason that would lead to the relationship being toxic in some way. and people who do actually know me, don’t like me romantically. i dont have an issue with that necessarily since all my friends are people i wouldn’t be romantically interested in, but it just makes me feel like the only kind of ‘possible romantic partners’ i would attract are just people who don’t actually care for who i am. i don’t open up to people or act like my actual self unless i instantly click with them or i’ve known them for a while, so it honestly makes me feel shitty when i think about how i tend to attract people that don’t really like me for me.

i dont actually have a large interest in romantic relationships, i think i just want to know what it feels like to have someone love me and care about me in a romantic sense. but at the same time, i do kind of want a romantic relationship? i dont know. romance is confusing as hell. as much as i would love to be in a romantic relationship and to be with someone that i love enough to be comfortable with them enough to act like myself while also kissing them and cuddling or going on dates or whatever, i think i genuinely am not ready for a relationship whatsoever. like, i can barely take care of myself and i have a bad habit of almost always letting the other person text me first.

anyways this was kinda dumb considering how contradictory my everything is, but this made me feel a bit better so yeah. thanks if you read all of this lol