木漏れ日

"I'm not scared of dying. I'm scared on how I'll die"

I told my husband a day before I took my own life. I had already planned it 8 months ago, and in fact, tried to go with my plan 3 months after, but failed miserably. The main cause being my lack of pain tolerance and my cowardice.

After the attempt, I could already hear the screams of my husband, he would probably make everything about him, maybe inside I didn't want to commit suicide, but instead kill him. Although, I don't see myself in prision, nor near blood. Still, I think I made a favour to myself, despite if he doesn't care about my death at all and decides to go to abuse other women.

I must admit that my death was something I hadn't planned for yesterday, but rather came as something unexpected. My husband and I had an extensive fight. I don't even remember why, I think I left the heating up all night, that made him delirious. For some that might be a stupid reason to kill yourself over. But I've been holding onto this feeling for so long, it wasn't just for a fight, it's for everything he has put me through.

Despite everything, I still love him.