suggestions ?

hi so this is the blog i was talking about making later . 

i’m not doing very well as of mental state . i wish i could be better TBH , but i am just incapable of doing so , and with that , i’ve hurt a lot of people , including the most special person to me . 

people think that i’m just a ball of rage but i’m not that ! i wish people could see who i truly am . but words and action is just not enough sometimes . i hate being unable to change , despite being aware of my very bad effect on people , i know im hurting others and i know they’re sad . i just don’t know how to tell them that i do feel guilt and remorse in the heat of the moment . 

and what’s even worse is that every-time i get angry or whatnot, i end up going blank in the head . i hate it a lot . it’s no fun . it makes me look like i’m trying to be the victim because usually i keep warning them i’m about to just leave for a while . and they start to feel sorry . . . i don’t want them to feel sorry . i should be sorry !!  i try to make it up to the people i’ve hurt , but that progress gets ruined by the slightest inconvenience . i believe it is due to past trauma . i want to be better though for the sake of others and for my wellbeing too , because i’m currently in self destruction mode . and that’s not very good . . . not good at all . but yeah .

do you have any suggestions , how to stop raging issues or control it on your own ? i never reached out for help like that , but y’know . things get bad and some point you have to tell someone about it !! please don’t take this blog as a vent BTW , LOL . 

anyways , ily all . peace