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...I know Im being dramatic about this.
the academic year ended some time ago, I know, but Im still reflecting on it and deciding what I should actually do with myself. I spent my whole time in high school waiting to go to college and to what I thought would be a nicer environment, but that isn't exactly what I got. by the second term, I had thought of dropping out and seeing if I could work, before realising what a fucking awful idea that would be for me (heavy emphasis on 'for me,' as this is not the case for everyone!) and deciding to make it through to the end of the year.
and listen, I love academics, I love spending time in libraries to study, and I love working towards goals such as tests and exams. the problem for me is the actual classrooms. I don't know if I have social anxiety or something of the sort (maybe it's just extreme introversion) but for the love of god I can't stand being in a classroom with other people and having discussions and such. obviously I knew that Id be going to classes when I attend college, but I thought it would be much more relaxed than this. actually, I have to admit that is is very relaxed, especially compared to high school, it's just something in me that finds it so distressing.
like, I considered dropping a class because I was assigned a seat next to someone who would chat to me, but again I realised how ridiculous it is to think that way.
another thing that probably contributes to this feeling of dread at the thought of going back in September is that there's no actual quiet spaces in the whole college, not even the library; I think there's some sort of club, so you can hear so much chatting no matter when you go in there to study. if any staff have tried to do something about that, they've been unsuccessful.
I... don't know where to go from here. I do want to go to university, but if the experience of a single college year is making me want to give up on everything, and I spent the entirety of high school waiting for it to be over, Im not sure if Ill manage well. I get so drained just thinking about it, and it's such a shame since I really wanted this to be fun.
what sort of advice am I even looking for?? maybe on how to cope with this? where the fuck any of it stems from?? Im fairly certain that this is more of a problem with myself rather than with anyone or anything else, but I guess that could be wrong. who knows at this point, I sure fuckin don't :/
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rain :3
hi, this is from a few months ago but hopefully this is still helpful! i'm in my second year of college rn, i went to one month of in-person and had really similar problems to you with the classroom setting. i transferred to remote, online college and i've been doing much better. i definitely suggest looking into it, if you send me a pm i'll be glad to talk about my experience w remote school or drop links to some?
good luck ! ^-^
iason
i will say that your first year will still has an aura of high school. the professors know you are new here so they try to make it a smooth transition from the two systems by making the classes a tad more like how they were in high school.
starting sometime in your second year, though, it is a lot more individual. of course, you can work with others and be social, but it is not as much of a necessity, often times. the only exception is (in my case) project labs, wherein i have to co-operate with others, but you'll have to do that in your work post-studies anyway, so it does good for you to get used to it. of course, if you are not in a degree that does labs, then you won't have to particularly worry about this.
i would implore you to keep going. i know social anxiety is a bitch, i truly do, but you can't let it control your life. one day you'll need to overcome it, so better to push through and get through now. it won't completely go away, and sometimes it will come back for an hour or a day in a strong wave, but you'll learn how to deal with the feelings and how to get through them. and again, it does get easier from here on out. your classes now will treat you like an adult and the forced social interactions in class will more accurately reflect the social requirements in your career.
stay strong brother, you have this.