suddenly adult

why i dont feel like myself every time i try to engage with something or someone. its like i can only recognize myself when im alone idk, tbh i feel like i lost my identity as years passed and adulthood came. yeaah, ik its childhood mourning and its perfectly fine since now im getting new responsibilities and my social role changed (partially) BUT it stills kiinda shocking even tho im aware of whats happening. 

i spent my teen days in my room, since the pandemic happened, and then suddenly im a young adult and im in university, and i study bc im supposed to, not bc its my dream or anything like that. there was a time i had dreams and i was good with stuff but now i just live day by day, the same. actually i was supposed to be getting ready to go to uni but im here writting. 

thats other thing that happens: since iim always following a script and doing the same everyday, when i have an impusulse i just follow it. i mean, i hardly want to do anything, so as soon as the desire rushes into me im up for it, and thats how i'm broke, thanks! thats also the reason im always putting my fun b4 my obligations, so sure! i'll go to a coffee shop with you, i can study later! (the test is tomorrow) or i can write this blog first, after that i can wash the dishes and get ready to uni (i need to be there in less than 3 hours and have barely left my room). 

so yeAh erick erickson, i know its normal and stuff but it STILL SUCKS. just give me my unconciousness back please, id apreciate it very much. but at least i can go out without asking for permission (uh.. kinda...) its okay, lets enjoy what we can. i mean, i feel like i wrote stuff but did not elaborate on them, but its all very confusing so i will call it a poetic license ;p 

i have to get ready, see ya