Top Surgery and Other Trans Things

I've recently fully decided that I am comfortable and completely wanting to get top surgery. It was something I wanted to make sure I thought about for a long time because I didn't know if it's really what I wanted. But after a few years, I've finally come to a decision. 

What was originally holding me back from being sure about getting top surgery was actually the feeling from my nipples. I used to like the sensation but now I don't. It makes me a little uncomfortable. So a few years ago I was worried about it, but now I'm not since I wouldn't care if I lost the feeling or not. I also was worried about money, care, and just being scared of surgery in general. But after seeing my younger brother go through surgery for his collarbone and come out fine, I feel more okay. I still don't really have the money for it but if I can figure out my insurance stuff for this, I might be fine.

When it comes to how my insurance works from what I know, I'll need to go to a therapist/psychologist and get diagnosed with having dysphoria. Which shouldn't be that difficult lmao. Though getting the therapist/psychologist is what is actually difficult. I'm currently working on getting one right now. Not only will this be helpful for me to get a surgery but I also just need therapy in general for my issues. Anyways, after I get diagnosed, I'm badly hoping I can go to a specific doctor in San Francisco as that's the closest city to me with mastectomy surgeons. Dr. Esther Kim is who I want to go to. If any of you have seen her and gotten your top surgery done by her, I'd love to hear about it and see pictures if you're comfortable. I found people talking about her very positively on Reddit so that's why I wanted to go to her. Plus the results of scarring months later look really good too from what I've seen (done with the proper care ofc).

I'm hopefully to get this done as soon as I can. I want this done while I'm young so I can live the rest of my life happy and free without my chest. My chest is my main source of dysphoria I'd say. It's always made me feel weird and funny? I get a strange feeling when I become conscious that they're there and I hate it. It makes it difficult to want to be around people when I remember they exist. Lumps of meat I never asked to have.

For me, I'm a nonbinary demi boy who is perfectly fine with most things about myself. I like my voice for the most part but may desire vocal training to be able to speak deeper if I'm feeling more masc, I like the way my body looks as I'm lean and not very curvy, I have a naturally androgynous face, I like my hair (most of the time), I love my short height of 5'2", I like the junk I have. I just don't like my chest. I have no desire to start testosterone, I just want to get rid of the chesticles.

Getting rid of my chest would be absolutely euphoric. I could be shirtless, wear open shirts, wear tight shirts and be comfortable, wear see-through shirts, just about anything I couldn't have done with a chest and get dysphoric over it. A flat chest really is the dream.

Hell, getting rid of my chest would funnily enough might help make me feel comfortable with specific feminine clothing. Because if I don't have a chest that makes it obvious I'm afab, I might be comfortable with things I wouldn't have ever worn beforehand. I lowkey do kinda wanna dabble in the femboy look lmao. There's so many things I wish to try when I get rid of my chest. I really can't wait for it.

I'm hopeful this will be possible for me. I haven't told my family about wanting this yet. They kind of know I was thinking about it, but they don't know I've decided. I'm an adult though and they can't stop me lmao. I gladly have a somewhat supportive family. Though I wish they would be better about not deadnaming me and using the wrong pronouns smh. They try sometimes, but they fail most. I know they mean well, but I just wish they'd put some more effort in.

Sigh, to live my masc enby dreams.