art & sex & film & december & rocknroll

party girls

i’m driving to the party when kate calls me. she moved to montauk when we were 15 & tonight she’s going to a party in the hamptons. i pick up & i can hear that she’s out of it & 

“fuck i don’t know” she cackles, “somewhere in sag.” & i tell her to put santi on the phone & she does. santi assures me that yes, she's safe, she's with him & she's been with him all night & he's not leaving her anywhere alone in this state. i tell him thank you & say i love you & then the 3 of us chat for a bit until i pull into brooke & tessa's driveway. when i arrive, tessa’s already blitzed. she trips over herself when she opens the door for me, & i steady her as i take off my shoes & throw them into the rest of the boots on the pile just inside & she half leads me & i half lead her downstairs to where the party is. brooke’s on the couch necking it with jack. tessa goes back over to where she was siting with erik & practically falls into him. erik's looking quite flushed & spacey & i nod hello & he waves. i go back upstairs & just as i'm about to pour a glass of orange juice, i hear a knock.

aspen

i open the door & it’s aspen, holding the same cinnamon candies caellen always has. for a second it feels like it’s played on film, like at any point someone could hit stop & look at us frame-by-frame. she laughs when i talk like that, but i don’t mind. sometimes i just take the piss & say oh, aspen, you know how i like corny things like how i fell for you so hard i skinned both my knees. she steps in and shrugs off her coat, tossing it on the pile on the floor. i say “i missed you” & she wraps her arms around my shoulders & pulls me into her chest & rests her chin on my head. she smells like beer & cigarettes & cinnamon. i put my arms around her waist & hug her back. we go back downstairs & i mix her a drink while she catches up with everyone & i hand her a rum & coke. 

laundry room

i’m with isaac & leslie & tessa taking hits from the bong in the laundry room & tessa is wasted to the point that she’s resigned herself to the floor & just seductively crawling everywhere & leslie’s rolling his eyes at her a bit & i suddenly remember that les is 24. isaac gives me a look from across the room where he's trying to help tessa to her feet & i realise we've both had the same thought & so we put everything away & lead tessa back out to the party & i get her set on the couch with a red bull & some water. i walk back over to where the drinks are & pour some tito's into a cup & then go scavenging for something to mix it with & don't find anything so i just drink it straight & as i'm putting the cup down i catch aspen's eye & she reaches over to the speaker & turns the volume up on the music & we meet in the middle & start dancing to some kendrick lamar song. it ends and we leg it out of the way laughing & aspen slings her arm over my shoulder. "babe," she says, "you're my kind of woman."

kitchen

aspen leaves just after midnight. she flew in from manchester (maybe heathrow) this morning & i don’t think she’s slept in a while. i walk her to the door & as she’s getting in her car she salutes & says “see you on the flip side”. i can feel the film whirring through the projector again. i go back inside & close the door & go back to the party. i sit next to tessa on the couch. i reach across her & grab the rum & a can of coke & drink the rum straight from the bottle. someone turns the music up & tessa & i get up to dance. we’re both sloshed & everything’s spinning a little bit & so i grab onto tessa to steady myself & she grabs me & before i realise what’s happening, she plants her lips on mine. she pulls away & slaps a hand over her mouth. i laugh & say “rad” & then i feel fucking sick and run off to the bathroom. i throw up all over julie’s bathroom & i sit there, head over the toilet, dry heaving & wanting just to fucking sink into the tile. & then i crawl over the the sink & dig around under the shelves & drunkly clean the entire bathroom & flush all the mrs meyer’s-soaked toilet paper down the toilet & open the door & there are tessa & erik in the kitchen, & erik's looking a little sick & tessa's a heap on the damn floor & i'm beginning to actually worry- she's usually like this, but it might be time to get her to bed. a couple minutes later, jack comes up the stairs & says, "maybe we should put her to bed". jack & brooke get her up the stairs & into the bed & erik goes back downstairs & i schlep myself over to the shoes & jacket pile. 

the line cook

i’m sitting outside smoking & brooke comes out & sits down with a modello. i offer her a drag & she takes it & offers me the bottle & i take it & we sit there quietly for a minute & then she says “why do you think tessa kissed you?” i cover the “ello” with my thumb & stare at my name on the bottle, m-o-d. then i sigh & take a healthy drink (if i’m having this conversation again, i’m going to at least get buzzed for it)

the thing is, tessa is straight, & straight girls kiss girls all the time, & besides, brooke kissed the line cook a few weeks ago & she doesn’t like him, so really what’s the difference. tessa got drunk & was in the mood for kissing & she happened to kiss me. brooke doesn’t get it, & that doesn’t really matter, & she’s probably gonna get drunk & mack it with a girl at some point anyway. i figure she’ll get it when she does it. i elbow her & say “you loon” & hand her the bottle & take back the cig & take one last drag before putting it out. 

creature

brooke has gone back inside- to bed- and i'm still outside looking at the sky & thinking. i've been so awful lately. i keep replaying that guy & i’m sad & hurt and i need so badly to vomit or be held & to lay in a bed with someone & talk until sunrise. & yet i keep saying mean little things & whenever people try to ask how i am i get fucking annoyed & i lash out at them. i feel like a creature. i sigh & go back inside & sit downstairs with the boys, carver & isaac & erik & jack, and at some point i look in my purse & isaac's flask is in there. i decide to go to bed & stumble up the stairs to brooke’s room. i open the door & say “guess who’s drunk” with a grin & then collapse on her bed & pass out- something i find obscenely funny, & that she didn’t get. 

paved paradise

isaac leaves the next morning & his flask is still in my purse. i leave around noon & i'm still wicked tired & so once i get back across the river i pull into the gas station where the cashier is an old guy i get out of the car & the sun is glittering on the snow & the song is playing in my headphones & i’m feeling hunky fucking dory. i do a little jive in the parking lot singing along to bob dylan’s cover of big yellow taxi & i realise i’m still a little drunk.