dream journal entry #1

20/06/2023

i wake up in my bed, or something that felt familiar as my bed, even tho it was a room i'd never seen before. it had no roof, but the cloudless sky and sun that never set didn't warm me up, despite the light hurting my eyes nonetheless. it's small, the walls are (a very unpleasant shade of) orange, my bed is right next to the door and there was a tree in the opposite corner that provided some shade. i had been having a dream that was exactly the same as i was experiencing now, and i can't tell if now i'm dreaming or not, as i've stopped being able to tell the difference between reality and my dreams. well, that's not entirely true. i more believed that i was a dream itself, as i've dissociated myself from the dreamer - the real me sleeping in the real world.

i open the door, wanting my roomates to help me, despite not being sure what that help would look like. they are right outside my door, but as i cry and tell them i'm not okay, i only receive looks of foggy eyes and impassive smiles in return, before they walk into hidden parts of the house. i realize i can't walk out of my bedroom - the nausea and dizziness that overcomes me when i try is incapacitating.

i walk around my room, crying, trying to breathe. the realisation that i'm having a psychotic break does not stop it from happening. although, it would be more accurate to say i was unsure if i was psychotic, or if i really was only a dream that would disappear, along with my entire life and everything i know, as soon as the dreamer woke up.