Next months the big 30.😬

Dont ask if im happy about it bc im not. Not bc im 30 but bc im still the same height since 6th grade and still look 15. I got arthritis in my knees, my backs messed up, and im just burnt out. 

For me, Staying home to raise kids takes a drive away from me myself. Bc when you're home all the time the walls start to seem like a prison. Everyone outgrows you even if you do what they do and you never get company anymore. I feel like i dont have many friends. Simply bc no one's around. 

I feel annoying. Like im a buzz kill. And idk why. 

Is it bc i invite ppl over and no one really shows? Probably.

Is it bc i have kids and a family? Like where are the friends at that wanna be around you? The ones that crave your attention and just you being around them in general? Like that must be a great feeling.

All i ever wanted was to have my house be "the spot." But where you have people around you that ENJOY being around you. Not just to be around to use you. I kinda had that but they didn't care about me.

Its probably bc i grew up poor. Idk.but now that we're all adults, it seems as thought no one has time for me. Its been a very lonely 10 years without constant friends.

And tbh all i really want is that one solid bestie. I have a male bestie thats my husband. But i need a female bestie. I need someone who wants to go do stuff. Who wants to chill and smoke and who from time to time wants to do stuff together😉

I want a girlfriend😭😭 a wifey. I just cant find her!!!!!!!!

Id even move out of state if she was living in a different one. But honestly i just wanna build a bigger family. But most important, i just wanna feel complete when i turn 30. 

In a way i am complete. I have 3 kids, family dog whos about to have puppies, a husband, and he has a career. We have the american dream going on.

But to me it feels like we are missing something or someone. We've had a gf before and it didnt work out bc of certain reasons. But with that being over 2 years ago im ready to get back out there.

I wanna go ice skating for my birthday bc i havent been in 20 years.

I bet you're like, "this bitch is NOT making sense!"

I just wanna feel complete before i turn 30. I just have more love to give but no one else to give it too. Its hard finding someone. And its hard to focus on one subject when you've been looking for something for a few months!

I just wanna be happy. Im content. But i just wish i had someone pretty to go do stuff with. She could even have kids. I just miss that friendship. If you know, then you know.

Anywho.... Im just thinking off the top of my head. Im not ready to be 30.

I think its unfair and cruel. And its not fair that my last child just turned 5. 😭