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Hello I am here to make the 32845284th "lol I'm mentally ill" post on this site.
So only recently I learned there's a difference between Schizoid and Schizophrenia, well and also the fact Schizoid is a thing. I only heard the term very few times so I just assumed it was a variant of saying Schizo or something. I have been called a Schizo a few times by people, but I have no idea if they were insults or people were guessing that was the issue wrong with me. Well I'm Autistic so I assume they're probably noticing those traits but making the wrong guess. Well since recently I got told about Schizoid Personality Disorder I decided to look into it and I think I can understand why people call me a Schizo now.
I'm gonna go ahead and say that I don't think I'm a Schizoid so this isn't going to be the millionth "I read the Wikipedia for ten minutes and self diagnosed myself so you better respect me or you're a bigot" post. Okay moving on.
While I say I don't I'm a Schizoid, the reason I am making this blog post is because I do find most of the symptoms very relatable to me, it's just the fact for me they are very mild so I doubt I meet the criteria to do diagnosed for it. I also find mental health interesting to talk about, don't know if it's my autist fixations or my desire to learn how to act normally and understand typical human behavior.
One symptom that stuck out to me so much was how Schizoids feel like observers in life, they don't feel like they partake in life. I exactly feel that way and I never expected to read something I relate to so much. Even as a young teen I remember an idea I had for my self insert Roleplay character was to make her an immortal and because of that, her job was to record everything happening. Watch everything happening around her and write it down.
As long as I can remember I never went out of my way to be part of anything, but it was most likely because I was shy. I do feel like I have more fun watching and listening to people rather than actually be part of their conversations. However in my teen years I do remember being super nosey (I still am I just have more self control now) and would get upset if my friends aren't making me a part of anything they're doing.
Another trait that stuck out to me is that Schizoids feel as if they are superior to others, but at the same time know and understand they are below average human beings. This might just be combining two traits I read however just to fit how I feel. So this might be a "My source is I made it the fuck up" moment. Going by the wiki, it may be that they feel superior because they don't need what the average person does, yet they know they are not the average person and because of that they are below average. Or that's how I am understanding it. I can relate to it, but again I could be twisting it's meaning so it'll make sense to me. If my guess is right then I relate, I also feel like I notice or care about things most people don't, just to sometimes have a "I told you so" moment afterwards. I also view myself as a subhuman but I don't get into the serious parts of my personal life.
Okay last thing that I found relatable is excessive daydreaming. I just assumed I had ADD or something after more and more people were pointing out they can't relate to how much I daydream and some people even scolding and shaming me for having no self control as they claim it's abnormal to constantly have thoughts playing in your head. But I dunno, to me it makes no sense to not have something constantly going on in your head. However I am aware my daydreams are likely more in-depth than most people and it isn't unusual for me to zone out to then be confused on where I am or how I ended up somewhere. Not unusual for me to get so lost in thought just to end up on the veryyy other end of a store and think "I don't remember walking over here how did I not walk into anything"
My daydreams helped me a lot with character creation as well. When I'm bored and zoning out my mind might randomly start playing scenarios of my characters and lets them run loose. I find it helpful for fleshing out my characters, understanding them better, and figuring out relationships between characters. Which is pretty weird I think, they're my characters so shouldn't I be able to do this on my own? Why can't I think of these things when I want? It's me myself making up all this, yet I have no control on what happens and when it does.
The other traits I will only briefly bring up cause I feel like they're more of traits I acquired or they got amplified due to certain life moments. As stated before I don't like talking about my problems if they're serious so I won't go into details.
The biggest trait is isolation. I am a shy person, I'm much better than when I was younger and believed I've grown out of my extreme shyness, but as long as I can remember I liked to keep to myself. However when I was I my late teen years I started having less and less of a desire to want to befriend anyone. My guess is might be due to not being able to have friends that much growing up when I was supposed to, and now that I am almost fully developed it affected my brain so I lost the ability and any chance I could of had to ever want to be sociable and be a likable person. I just dread the thought of having to put work into making someone like me when I could not care less about if someone likes me or not and I am certainly not going out of my way to give them what they want from me.
Other trait is secretive and I am guessing it can also relate to the fear of others. Not that people themselves are fearful, but the fact they could harm you is scary. I have learned long ago how selfish and self-centered the average person is, and due to the society with live in that promotes egotism, and hedonism, this human behavior is only getting worse. I have seen people attempt to ruin other's lives or at least cause a lot of issues for them, just over the fact they didn't get what they think they deserve. I believe this caused me to not really want to take part in society beyond what I need to do. It scares me knowing someone will ruin my life and convince everyone around them it's justice and no one will believe me if I ever say my side of the story, in fact that exactly happened to me, only thankfully it was online so the damage was contained on one website. It's also scary to me we're at the point in society where opinions and personal views are highly disrespected. It doesn't matter what you think or what you do, if you think a certain way you're a horrible person because the government or the Coca-Cola commercial told you so. It feels like I can only be safe if I live in isolation, that or just remain silent about controversial things.
It is interesting to think about this. I did say I feel like my symptoms are too mild for me to be a Schizoid, but the fact I relate to them makes me wonder I may need to get an updated diagnosed eventually. I think I was in my mid teens the last time I was at the doctors where they were figuring out what works in managing my Autism but as an adult those symptoms got mild out too it seems. My retardation seems to be the only thing that has remained unchanged in how I behave and struggle with everyday things.
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gooper
i just found this blog, i know its from 2 months ago but ive had a... damn similar experience to you, i remember finding about schzoid personality disorder and.. resonating with a lot of the symptoms, most of which you have already listed out besides the daydreaming. i hardly daydream. but i also read it when i was in a more distressed mental state, so that could be it. but, my family has told me that im autistic basically my whole life (i was non-verbal until i was like 5 or 6, i heavily dislike change, repetitive movements "stimming", echolalia, poor eye contact, the list goes on) professionals have said "oh your kid's probably autistic yada yada". so im fairly confident that i have it, but i usually dont like talking about it because man it can get hard to be taken seriously cuz of it. and i also just, dont think about that kind of thing most of the time. its weird seeing a lot of people claim that they are when it wasnt like this even 5 years ago. im kind of getting off track, but i really do relate with a lot of what you said here. ive been struggling with social isolation a lot. and i feel really bad about it, its a very hard thing to get out of even though the only solution is just .. learning to be consistent and forcing yourself into it. thats without others forcing you with medication or motivation, things of that nature. the superiority thing ive always kinda felt but i also feel like, a lot of people think that way of themselves. the thing is that everyone thinks theyre the most interesting person ever. its an inescapable phenomenon. even if you hate yourself a lot, you still feel as if youre a very interesting person even if you say you dont. you just kinda dont realize it yknow. but there are definitely people with a heightened sense of grandiose which can end up being unhealthy and abnormal. but it does hit home the fact that like you feel that way about yourself despite being self-aware and believing that youre also, not all that impressive or remarkable. at least, from my own perspective of myself anyway. and the observer symptom? oh my god. ive felt that way for a very long time, i dont think of myself as a part of most situations i often feel as if im a spectator and hardly think about the fact that, im alive. i have a timer in my body and what i will do will have consequence, particularly things in the long term. not so much in the short term, short term is what im most worried about. but i see myself in this whole thing and, its a bit scary. but it feels reassuring.
anyways, ive read your profile and i really appreciate people like you. i know that might seem a little weird to say cuz im a stranger, but it really does get tiring when most people have this extreme opinion of everyone and just care about their own echo chamber, its quite sad. so, thank you for being you and being able to be a bit more fluid and unique with your thoughts. i hope you have a wonderful day. sorry if this comment seems a little scrambled.
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i used to daydream alot but my meds seem to have dulled that
I think once I was on pills that did that but then I had frequent panic attacks over it. I think my mind was just overloading that all of a sudden I was having to listen to 5+ people talk and take in everything around me
by Gray
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SYRA
This blog is so scary to me because of how well you can talk in detail about your experiences , and even the experiences you describe itself are similar to my own. Except I don't really express "schizoid" traits, I relate more to "schizotypal" which is what that sad Dylan Klebold kid was.. I'm antisocial, shy, isolative, socially awkward, including all of the main schizotypal personality traits. I used to say I could be like this because I'm just autistic, but, I really don't want to believe that I purposefully isolate myself and avoid platonic relationships because I'm autistic, that's just a dumb explanation for my behavior because I didn't know there was a term for my experiences. Honestly just brain dumping here I apologize but I think I might need a diagnosis. My symptoms aren't mild at all, they show a lot for me but I don't want to be that self diagnosing Emily either lmao
I did read a little bit about schizotypal but figured it was good enough to think about schizoid traits since it's similar. Maybe I compared it to autism but I understood schizotypal as like "High Functioning Autism" if that makes sense.
I actually have been thinking if I need an update on my diagnosis. I feel like I outgrew a lot of my autistic symptoms but my learning disability traits are still exactly the same. Though I do feel like I go more out of my way to be alone than I did when I was younger, but maybe that's just depression and stress who knows. Like my title says mental health is weird.
by Gray
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