an introspection.

i dont know the rules or societal standards for this website, i am simply expressing my thoughts in written form because this isn't one i can project onto south park fanfiction (embarrassing...) sorry its a little depressing i guess also i didn't proofread. 

im not really sure how to begin this. what a sore topic. there are few things i often find myself completely unable to speak on. at the moment, only two come to mind. the one im tackling right now is the lesbianism, which seems to plague my very being. im not unhappy that im a lesbian, not really. i think i just mourn the life i could have had if i had just been like the other girls. if i had been normal. i used to dream of marrying a man, and baring his children, living a loveless life as a trapped stay at home mother with nothing to look forward. i knew this seemed... unhappy... but it was the life i found easiest to picture for myself. i could pretend, i am an actress, pretending is what i do best. i could pretend for my whole life that this life and this man is what i wanted, what i loved. but it would only be pretending. 

recently i was speaking with a friend of mine, and i said to him "ill have to marry a man and be miserable and then kill myself" to which he responded "why?" and i couldn't answer him. i didn't know why. i had no idea why i was like this. why i thought like this. in that moment, i realized i didn't have to. i didn't have to do any of that. i could marry a woman and be happy, and it wouldn't be dumb or awkward or stupid and i wouldn't have to be a short buzz cut lesbian like the ones you see on tv because i could be myself. i could marry a woman and still be myself. and i think that did wonderful things for my inner self. because now i had goals, aspirations, reasons to do well in college. reasons to live. 

ive never been open with my sexuality. ive known i like girls since i was really little, but ive never really been comfortable with it. its always been an embarrassment. a box hidden frantically in the back of a dark cupboard. a box with a mind of its own, impossible to contain despite the owners best efforts, shoving it and pushing it down. ive never denied myself the ability to like girls, and most everyone knew by the time i was 14, but i still wouldn't talk about it. like a poorly kept secret that got out prematurely, before i even knew what was happening. i used to identify as bisexual, but it always made my skin crawl. whenever anyone asked id respond with a shrug of the shoulders, or not acknowledge them at all. being rude and misleading was better than admitting what i feared most. 

when i started public school after a life of homeschooling, the first day of class a girl looked at me and asked "are you straight?" and i said yes. (she didn't believe me, i had to convince her.) i knew i was lying. i knew even then that i couldn't keep this charade up, but i was going to try my damn hardest. i had been out publicly on the internet since i was 10, but now id put myself in a situation where i was back in the closet, back with that stupid fucking box. even at 13 i knew i needed to keep my secret safe, despite all of my friends at the time being varying shades of queer. i needed to be the perfect little straight girl. i faked a crush on a guy i went to school with, and told everyone my favorite celebrity was tom holland because the other girls seemed to think he was attractive, so i ought to as well. 

i kept up the act until the summer of that year when vanessa morgan was so god damn beautiful in riverdale i couldn't hold it in any longer. this was met with a chorus of "so what, are you gay now?" remarks, to which i rarely if ever responded to. i told people i was bisexual, in order to hold some kind of connection with them. if i was bisexual, i could still like boys, and talking about boys was integral to girls friendships at this age. every now and again, i would pick a boy, be it because he was nice to me once or because he had curly hair (which had been decided to be my "type" by my freshman year best friend) and he would be my new crush. i recently learned other girls didn't have to pick boys to like, it just happened. if a boy ever showed interest in me, however, i would immediately get uninterested. when boys liked me i felt gross, like i had to take a shower to wash them off. like i had been violated in some way. 

i kind of forget where i was going with this but maybe ill regain the train of thought some day and carry on, this is really long so i ought to leave it be for now. till we meet again, spacehey.