bittersweet again

my former best friend reached out to me again recently. she apologized for what conflict we had before, she apologized for what she had done wrong and i did too. i think we are acquaintances now, maybe even friends, i dont know. it feels right yet not at the same time, it feels late and overdue and stewed for two years but i cant tell if that bettered the flavor. i dont know, i pushed her down so far id forget her and now its resolved and it feels as though she has escaped. i miss her and i miss the trio we used to be, i miss him.

i hate that i miss him, i dont want to give him a name or role because it embodies him again. just like hes been popping up in my old pictures, in his friends stories, lingering over her apology. not present in word but in feeling. im angry im still hurt, im angry i still care. i dont know the reason for both of those things, i couldnt remember them if i could. i want to give it up and throw the towel on this stupid huntless hunt. i hate that i cant tell if its stitched into my hand or if my fingers have stoned around it. he used to be my best friend, i cant remember who's fault it was to push us apart. im sure it was both.