not quite sure

how i feel anymore. life is a blue and im on the verge of fully becoming conscious that im barely clinging on to not spiraling again. mess is piling back in my room, heaps of shit i swore id clean up tomorrow months ago. i havent emptied by trash in about as long. i sleep as the sun rises. i never leave my room without plans. no clean clothes, all consuming dreams. i cry for the littlest reasons again after being unable to for so long. my brain rubber bands between extremes and my legs keep itching for a familiar pain when i feel the slightest guilt.

im not upset, just a bit frustrated. i understand why its happening since it was about time for the comedown. i'm frustrated i couldn't keep up and prepare before the drop, i'm frustrated my friends are becoming an escape from time in my head again. im frustrated i cant get proper support though at this point i know i can ride it through myself. but i feel myself slipping through my own cracks again. i deeply hurt someone i care about more than myself, im trying to think optimistically but i cant help but feel as though ill begin to mess everything up again, not just with them.

on a happier note i went clubbing recently, it was really fun. i also worked and am succeeding in suppressing alcohol cravings to begin to build a more reasonable and healthy relationship. i'm glad. both of these things have a negative flip side, both of these things left people wronged in their wake by me or by themselves. i dont want to think about it.

i have support i have acceptance yet all feels hollow because i dont have understanding. but it's still my turn to get better and it always will be, thats just how it is. i don't mind. its just tiring sometimes.