ah hell nah (daily update + bday thoughts)

so basically my mother came today like i mentioned before on my bulletin and we were about to leave to go some place for dinner and she literally moved for half a meter and her car's tire went PsSHOoO ...

it took HOURS to get it fixed :(

i was so sad cuz my mom didnt have time to eat anything the whole day,,, i did order a pizza in the meantime but she couldnt come to eat with me since she was gone to solve the issue with the car

i got her and myself some ice cream tho and we ate it after she finally had her dinner (ofc i saved her some food, i am no monster)

she's asleep now which is good, she deserves to rest

i got a whole free day tomorrow, the day after i got therapy AND THEN ITS MY BDAY THIS SATURDAY WSEFDBGKB IM SO EXCITED BUT SO NERVOUS. idk how to feel about the fact that one more year has passed, it was insanely fast yet so much stuff happened in this time... crazy.

well, here i am. about to become one year older. one more step into adulthood. 

it's quite funny cuz my birthday is in the middle of the year so i always give myself two chances to "become a better version of myself". most people just do it for the new year with whatever resolutions they got but i also do it for my bday since i tell myself "ohh grew up again, some things are gonna change and so am i!" - which is obv not exactly the case? it's more of a stereotype at the back of my head with these expectations i created regarding a certain age/age group. im not the only one, right? maybe it's the influence of the media cuz i remember having this mindset ever since i stepped into teenagehood (which would be turning 15/16 to me)

like i remember what expectations i had for myself when i turned 16- what am i supposed to do for 21 ;;^;; things just get harder and harder the more you age.. i also feel the pressure of finding "the one" at the back of my neck. my mom got married before she even reached my age (didnt turn out that good lmao) but my love life is kinda wack or a whole desert for months. im expected to get married till i finish my studies but ofc it is not for anyone to decide that but me. im still very much scared of marriage since i didnt have one good healthy relationship EVER and its hard to imagine a future happy marriage unless - i literally cannot find ONE PERSON that wont hurt me in any way that they end up making me having whole therapy sessions for it

and so my 21st year of my life expectations:

• do well at my fresh summer job as an illustrator and eventually have a door open for an actual paid position there (ill be an unpaid intern for a month, yuh)
• have a great time with my uni friends who will also work there
• get my dream car and become confident in driving
• spend the rest of my summer hopefully traveling
• doing more cosplays
• doing more art and posting it on my art account
• plan out my thesis and start working on it and stuff yuhh
• maybe develop my fashion sense a lil bit
• DYE MY HAIR LAVENDER. i really want violet hair :<
• potentially find love?
• just getting better overall (i pay too much for therapy)

yuh, i think that's all? haha, this is my biggest blog so far, my bad-

if anyone read all this, thank you ;; and if anyone experiences whatever twisted self-induced twisted overthinking this is, please help on how i can overcome this because bday resolutions seem so bad for my mental health? like yea ok, i didnt get to do everything i planned for 2020 because of the pandemic and stuff but you can say time goes on and you can make up for it YET when it comes to my age? ITS COMPLETELY DIFFERENT. i worry so much and i feel like i failed and let myself down because im a certain age for a limited time only :(

thats all for now i suppose ! ill let y'all know about my bday plans these days if anyone is interested :>

everyone, - have a wonderful evening <3 (its literally 2am here aha,,)