grrrrrrr

i wish i wasnt afraid of being judged. i wish i could tell my bestfriend something without feeling like i weirdo or out of place. literally as much as i make jokes about judging her (even tho i dont mind anything shes into) if i were to tell her she would genuinely judge me and not want to be friends anymore. she would think that im disgusting or gross and i hate it because the thing i want to tell her is literally my coping mechanism and is the only thing that stops me from hurting myself. it also happens almost entirely unvoluntarily so i really cant help it. and i really dont know what to do because i need to tell someone that isnt just the one person i told but im so afraid of everyone else thinking im a loser and not wanting to be friends anymore so i just dont know what to do.