Everything is shit

I wanna be happy. That's all I fucking want. The last time I ever felt happy was as a child and I was oblivious to everything and everyone. I'm 19 now and so many friends have come and gone and they have great lives and things going for them and I've been here since I graduated. Wasting away. My mom treats me like she hates me and I'm just mentally not present constantly. My brain is foggy, my life is moving so fast for no reason, nothing is changing except my age and my maturity. I wish I could just be happy for one second and have the things that make me happy without someone always telling me that I'm shot or the people in my life that make me feel loved for two seconds of my life are shit. Everything is shit and I'm shit and blah bah blah. Dear god please let me live my life. I haven't had a life of my own...ever. Never been out with friends, never been on a date all because if I go out, I trigger my mother's anxiety. I just wanna be alive. I just wanna be a human. I can't drive. I don't have a car. I don't have anything. Everything has just been the same for years and I want out. I'm trapped for a while but I'll find my way out.