Humans, relationships

  My dear hypothetical reader, I must confess that I am plagued by a sense of isolation, a disconnect from others that never seems to end. It is as if I am living in a world populated by insincere actors, playing parts that they neither believe nor understand. Trust is but a fleeting concept; a mirage that disappears as quickly as it appears. I have come to accept that my misanthropy is a direct result of the treachery that others have inflicted upon me for no discernible reason at all, all the time, time and again. I had always believed this disillusionment would diminish, but rather it has crystallized over time. Human relationships are a curious dichotomy, a juxtaposition of pain and pleasure. We crave the connection of others, yet we are constantly reminded of the savage nature of humanity with every interaction. It is enough to make one question the very nature of existence; to wonder why we bother to pursue these fleeting connections that bring us so much pain.
   Yet despite the disillusionment that weighs heavily upon me, I find comfort in the thought that we are not alone in our isolation. There are others, who see through the empty facade that society presents. We are the watchers, the ones who see the inherent flaws in humanity, and yet, despite our disillusionment, we continue to strive for something more.
   It is a curious paradox to find oneself in need of human connection, yet simultaneously to feel so fundamentally detached from the rest of humanity. I am not one to indulge in much self-pity, but it is difficult to ignore the reality that I walk a path less traveled: a path littered with those who have wronged me, who have taken advantage of my trust, who have shattered my faith in them. Everyone, at least in the circles of friends and places on the internet I'm always around, talk about hating “normal” people, yet they themselves have the same need for disingenuous connection and social need that those same normal people have, whereas I don't seem to be the same as either of them. I remember every interaction with others, I judge every inconsistency and simply can't find myself on the same level of connection that I see everyone else making with each other.
   I am not sure that I am capable of experiencing love; at least not in the traditional sense. Love, like trust, requires a certain level of vulnerability, and I find myself unwilling to expose myself in such a manner anymore. It is not that I am incapable of feeling affection, I am, but it is a guarded sort of emotion; a seed that is carefully cultivated in the deep recesses of my soul. Anytime I have ever tried to let it flourish, it didn't matter to the other person. Although, every relationship I've had has only been online, so maybe it doesn't even count... The friendships that we forge, the romantic relationships that we pursue, they all seem to be built upon a foundation of sand, constantly shifting and uncertain. The sheer fact that most likely anyone that I pursue romantically will have had already been through multiple relationships and experiences with others makes me feel uneasy.
   It is ironic that I, who possess such discerning faculties, should find myself so alone. I see the world in all its hypocrisies, the double standards that we impose upon one another, the brokenness that we try to mend with band-aids and empty platitudes. How is it possible to feel connected to a world in which honesty is a scarce commodity?
   But, I am not content to merely wallow in my isolation. No, I am a creature of intellect and ambition. I do not accept defeat. I will continue to seek out the truth of the universe and pursue real meaningful connections with others, no matter how difficult or elusive it may be. I believe that there is a path to authentic relationships, to a sense of belonging that is not predicated upon deception or illusion. And I will find it, my dear hypothetical reader, even if I must travel alone to do so. Will I ever feel and experience genuine love for another? Will anyone feel that for me? It has yet to be answered, but with my lack of ever having experienced it at my age, leaves me wondering...