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dealing with psychosis

hey everyone. this is my first post, which definitely is gonna make a first impression lol. i decided to come on here and talk about some things i've been dealing with these past few years. for reference, im a junior, and this started back when i was in 6th grade. im not sure if this is helpful, but im also diagnosed with depression and anxiety. okay on to the post.

so back a couple years ago, with i was 11, i started dealing with something that i can't attach a name to. any time i did something such as take a shower, use the bathroom, get dressed, etc. i would get an overwhelming feeling that someone was watching me. now when this started, i didnt tell anyone as i didnt want my family to think i was crazy. but it got to the point where i would rarely use the bathroom/take showers. that sounds disgusting i know. im only saying this so that if youre dealing with something like this, know that you are NOT alone. i only took showers or used the bathroom when necessary (aka if i started to smell or be in pain LMAO). however, i got over the feeling (well, more like tried to ignore it) because i knew i couldnt keep living in fear.

then i moved.

i moved out of a house full of 7-10 people, to a house of 3, including myself. i was okay for the first 6 months. then the delusions started. at one point, i was hearing and seeing things. that didnt last more than maybe 2 weeks though. however, the main thing i was dealing with was paranoia. i made my stepdad check the vents. i was constantly staring at my window, literally paralyzed in fear that someone was watching me. now this was really stupid because i lived on the second floor of my apartment complex and there was literally no way someone could get up there unless they used a very tall ladder. my mom and stepdad were aware of how i was feeling at this point, and they prayed over me which actually made the feelings go away until we moved again.

now, i was living in a trailer out in the woods.

don't get me wrong, i had neighbors and such. but the scary thing was that we were surrounded by thick woods and there was absolutely zero light outside. this started fueling my fear, because none of our windows had blinds, and my curtains were actually pretty thin, some of which were literally see through. i don't remember much about this house, so we're just gonna skip over it. however, there was one incident that i'll never forget when i lived here. i was at a friends house, trying on clothes completely naked, and her blinds had a hole in the bottom from her cat. her trailer was high up so we didn't worry about being watched. yet not even 15 minutes into trying on clothes, a hand is tapping on the window. 

then i moved states.

a lot of moving around, i know. i moved states in august of last year, and once again i dealt with paranoia. this is around the time my addiction, specifically to opiates, xanax, and alcohol, sprung into action. i don't remember much from this time either, probably because i was always high or drunk. for the sake of this post not being any longer than it has to be, im not going to go into detail of everything that happened here. i had times where i thought someone was after me, and watching me, but it didn't get serious til i moved back home.

i move in with my grandmother. 

so i move back home, and this is when it gets worse than its ever been. i seriously cannot explain to you the fear i feel here. i do not leave at night, despite me being almost 16 now. i should be going out with friends, but i dont leave my house unless its to see my boyfriend. as im writing this im already scared someones broken into my home and is waiting til i fall asleep to kill me. im constantly in fear that someone is watching me for sexual pleasure which scares me even more. i dont leave my room at night in fear someone will kill me. ive never been scared of the dark til now. ive called my boyfriend crying because i thought someone was in my walls watching me through the cracks. i am so tired. i never sleep at night. im scared to tell anyone because of how bad its gotten. at least 5 times a month i think someone broke into my house. i dont know what to do. ive stopped taking drugs over half a year ago. i rarely smoke or drink especially by myself. i was seeing a therapist but that was for my depression. he put me on lexapro. however, the debilitating thing is the paranoia, which i believe has turned into psychosis. i have dreams of people coming after me trying to kill me. im not sure what to do anymore. i do not need to be put on a psychiatric hold as im not thinking about harming myself or others. i do not see or hear things (i think, this is making me second guess my sanity). im scared to tell anyone because im scared to be seen as crazy. 

if you made it this far thank you so much for listening to me. i really appreciate that.

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