Poltergeist's profile picture

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Category: Life

My biggest secret.


I got a scrape the other day.

I don't know when or how. It must've been when I was doing yard work; But the thing is that I noticed it the next day. I was having a particularly bad day and I was scratching at my scars like I always do when I'm nervous, and that's when I felt it.

A very, very familiar feeling. I knew exactly how it felt to have cuts there. And I didn't notice how much I missed it until that moment..

I couldn't stop.

I couldn't stop touching it. Fiddling with it. Anything to make it hurt the way I needed it to hurt.

The days have been getting worse since then, but the cut is fading now and still it's the only thing I can think of. 

The way I need it to hurt.

But it isn't hurting anymore. It doesn't sting.

It's a very suffocating feeling. There's no way I could hide it like I used to. So it just drives me insane. Nagging at the back of my head because of the reminder of how it felt to hurt in a controlled manner, just when I needed it.

And I can't tell anyone. I don't have friends, nor close family who would understand or even that I could burden with this. I tell my husband and he'll just either get mad or blame himself, as if he hasn't done the exact same shit I used to.

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Saige🫶🏼's profile picture

well this isn't the best advice by far but what helped me was downers, it makes you too lazy and careless to even think of self harm let alone go through with it, then eventually the feeling of needing to hurt goes away and your left with your next big challenge which is getting rid of a new addiction! sparkle! anyways its definitely not a good way to go about it but its how i stopped cutting so do with that what you will.

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Ya know? This is a very real response, and I respect that. You seem like a cool person. Thank you.

by Poltergeist; ; Report

i haven't been on here in a hot second so this is super late but you're welcome lol, sometimes you gotta give up a bad habit for a slightly less bad habit like snorting morphine here and there.

by Saige🫶🏼; ; Report