my traumatic dating experience (plus Titanic)

hii guyss!!!

Lately I haven't been posting here, but I came thinking of things to write and I thought it was a good idea to talk a little about the time I had an extremely toxic boyfriend and how much that recently made me still afraid to meet and fall in love with new people. Yes and I will relate this to the movie Titanic, I will try to make something understandable right? 

a day ago i watched the movie "Titanic" for the first time, and something that really caught my attention was rose and jack's romance. the indescribable love that reach the point of giving their lives for each other. this movie really made me believe in love and the world is not lost yet, because lately it's just people making out for the sake of making out. And this movie made me feel that I'm very unhappy because all the chances I had to work out with someone don't work out no matter how much I want to because I sabotage myself.

and I'm very unhappy for never having had a romance like the two characters that are amazing, but I never got lucky, and if I did I ruined everything. My life was completely marked by an idiot son of a bitch who made me believe that I loved him, but in fact it was all a lie, and because of him I had and still have difficulties to like someone, with a fear of relating again and that would happen. the same shit making me suffer even more. so when I really find someone who loves me more than I would love myself, I have to ruin everything because of a feeling of creating conflicts and making the person feel bad because I was used to these things that I used to go through myself.

I felt that, the feeling of being sad asf, when I was with someone who hurt me and made me understand that it was love, like Lana's phrase "he hit me and I felt like kiss", anyway, I think that my head created a kind of self-defense because I was already used to feeling bad in past relationships, so I believe that if I created stupid discussions that did not lead to anything and that always ended badly, for my own psychology to force it feel something that is sadness, anger, anxiety to relate it as a type of "love"  

toxic asf???, Yes 

if you read until the end, thank you very much!!, comment if you identified with something I said! 

see you next time ;) xoxo