the mistake

it was last night at family dinner when i realised that i have made a horrible mistake. i realised the only reason i’ve gone off to college is because everything in my life is telling me it’s what i’m supposed to do. even worse, that’s only my life back home. off at school, everyone wants you to just follow the path YOU feel is best. 

and with each passing day, i think about the sheer amount of money i’m losing by going there & how much i really fucking hate classes & how i’m really only there for the people. every day the idea of dropping out, quitting my jobs, and running for the hills sounds sweeter and sweeter. save up enough money to make it for now, buy the cheapest car i can, get my typewriter & flee west. maybe sedona finally, maybe carson city, maybe somewhere in oregon.

and so here i am in the parking lot before work, deeply panicked & making a deal with myself: if i can get rid of everything i own and find enough money & get a car, i’ll scamper off and at least take a gap year.

today at work i am going to buy a big tote bin (maybe two) and that will be what i can fit all my thing in, and if i can’t get the entirety of my life into something i can throw in the back of my car, i won’t go. 

if i can’t, i’ll go back to that little white brick room in merrill b and i’ll finish out college & with luck no one will ever know.