Testosterone shots are so frustratinggg >:(

TW explicit discussion of self-harm

I've been on HRT for over a year now and I've been having my mom give them to me. She's a nurse so she's good at it. I've been thinking a lot about what I'm gonna do when I move out though. That's not even close to being in the near future but it's still a concern. Giving myself the shots is soooooo hard though. Idk why I've just always had a thing when it comes to needles. I wouldn't say it's intense enough to be classified as a phobia but I'm certainly more uncomfortable than average. It's really ironic because I really like piercings and tattoos. Now getting those usually also gets my nerves up but it's different because in the end the piercer or tattoo artist is just gonna do their thing without hesitation and all I have to do is fight my nerves and stay completely still. Giving myself my shot sucks because I have to fight my nerves to actually make the motion of injecting myself. It hurts a lot less when you do it quickly and with a fair amount of force in the initial prick. I start to move my hand and then I hesitate which slows my hand and then the needle goes in slowly and it hurts a lot. I never have to worry about that when someone else is doing it because I'm already staying completely still. It's so annoying because it's not even a big needle and I feel like I should be able to do it. Then I start to beat myself up cuz like I literally used to cut myself and yet I hesitate and draw back with a tiny needle. That thought is also distressing though because it reminds me of the competitiveness associated with self-harm. I used to get so upset with myself because whenever I would cut I would also hesitate and draw back so I never got very deep or wide cuts. I'd get so frustrated that the scars were always so small because I could never get past a shallow styro. The parallel between that train of thought and the situation with my T shots is kinda annoying because it's making me think about self-harm in general and I try to think about it as little as possible so it doesn't pop into my head when I get sad or stressed. I just wanna be able to do my shots on my own and it not hurt so much every time. I tried again today for the first time in like a year and the stinging on my stomach won't go awaaaayyyy :(.