i am writing this at 6am because of flippant thoughts running around my head. i always feel like i deserve nothing—especially love. i grew up getting no attention from any other than my mom, and she ended up concealing it from me, leaving her miserable daughter seize for love. i seized from people who brought hostility and anguish that is still left inside me. it made me think that love will never be a thing for me and i will forever pray to the unknown higher beings for happiness.
i turned 18 two years ago and met the person that has loved me like no other. for the first time in my life, i felt like my existence has been valued. i felt like i finally have a reason to live. everyday i wake up and get suprised they’re still there—greeting me good morning, asking me if i have eaten, telling me to sleep and say goodnight. i’m glad i could be with someone i could brag about. it’s amazing. although….too amazing. for someone to love me like they always professed, i still doubt they’re being truthful even they’ve shown it. was someone really born to love me this much? everyday in my life i have been begging to reach gaiety, and it’s somehow… here. i’m so happy that i feel confounded. it feels unreal. i never thought of living like this. do i deserve such love?
i don’t believe in god. and if he is, i’ve been always convinced that he loathes me. everything i have asked for has never been mine. everytime i asked for the better, i get the worst. and him possibly giving me this wonderful person to love me, is an enough proof for me of his non-existence. maybe this relationship would end up like another battle i have to face and people would expect me to pull through, again. i always think of them leaving me and choosing another person that they deserve. someone prettier and smarter. someone who has the same interests as them that i fail to have. someone who is charming and likeable. a person who their friends would love. a person that isn’t full of delusions and insecurities and uncertainties. what if it fails again? what if it fucks up and they just give up? it fucking hurts. i’m crying as i think of them leaving me, and the fact that they would be another person i have to forget and hate. i love loving so much and i love to be loved. love is such an outspread, raw, fiery emotion that i just want clamber and perceive every such meaning and crumbs of it. i have so much love to give inside of me but i always think they don’t reciprocate what i feel, and all this time i’ve been just delusional and convincing myself that i don’t deserve love. it’s nauseating how i was built to be so weak, that i frequently think i deserve nothing.
i might be crazy. maybe god is real. maybe he doesn’t hate me. maybe my partner loves me and soulmates exists. sometimes i feel like my feelings and thoughts are imbecile and i can’t help but live through every day having these unwarranted perceptions that does nothing but pain in my heart. i convince myself that everything would go the wrong way because that’s what always happened. i wish to heal from everything. i wish to unleash from every negativity. i wish to be happy that i could live without uncertainty. living is still a mistery to me, and i still hope to find the meaning of it—hopefully letting myself to understand life and love in a stronger regard. i wish to love so much more, especially to my beloved kyle that deserves it more than anyone. and i wish to be loved back.