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Category: Life

Pessimistic vent

I don't like being alive; it's embarrassing. I hate thinking; being forced to talk to myself. I have nothing to say! Feelings are a joke. You fool yourself for a while and then betray yourself. Whenever something happens, good or bad, I wish it didn't. No pleasure or pain is worth the event. Having a human body is the same as not existing. When the sky starts turning blue in the morning, I hide until it's dark again. I should have been born a cockroach.

There are three kinds of desire: desire for relief, desire for self-delusion and desire for pain.

Pleasure is just a bandage for a wounded object that constantly bleeds. The object is a pile of trash you guard as your most prized possession. 

Being free tricks you into believing you want stuff other than dying. True freedom is decay and death. Why do we fear the things we want? Why is death scary when I want to die? Fear is the inertia of hope. Hope is a zombie that eats your brain.

The desire for pain is the only desire that's rational. That's why it's the hardest to act on. Staying alive is the coward's way out. Dying takes a lot more courage than living. I don't have enough courage to live, so I don't have enough courage to die, either.

What horrifies me the most is imagining the moment my mother finds out I'm dead. It's too definitive. It feels so unfair. I've given her no satisfaction by being alive, but it still feels wrong to take my life from her. After all the time she's invested in me, I should be her property. I hope she doesn't forgive me in her grief. I hope she's angry at me.

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