vent

i left. i know i did. i know i wasn't healthy for you. your sister used to pull me aside at AA meetings and tell me that i just needed to leave. i bent to your will and allowed you to control who i spoke to, saw, and even what was best for me. you think my reminders hurt you, but you did them on your own just as much as i would do for you. you claimed my gifts were weapons because id only give them on special occasions or when i messed up but that isn't true we were fine for months and i was still buying gifts and clothes and making you my art. i never had to have a reason to love you because i truly did. i adored you with every ounce of my being and still do. i don't think ill ever stop. but it got to a point where i was planning a breakup months in advance because i didn't know how to leave.  we were spewing our venom that we had let build up for a year over all these small and huge things. because no matter how hard we tried neither of us would listen to the others problems. it got to a point where we thought that the other had harmed us worse than the other person. i tried to break up with you a week before it was official and you cried and begged and then once you forced me to a 90 day trial agreement you started smiling and being normal again. i told you that i had been needing and begging for a change for months because i loved you but i couldn't keep getting hurt by how controlling you were you would get mad if i went outside to smoke. but mad when i would try to quit because you felt that withdrawals were making me unbearable. you started treating me different once you realized the whole "im a drug addict who just got out of rehab" thing was serious and you claimed you didn't know from the start but i told you before i even got home from rehab in December (i got home January) because you wanted to know why i ghosted you for 2 years. my drug usage got in the way of how i loved you and i am forever sorry that i kept you by my side when i was at my lowest. you brought me so much joy and pain and it was a beautiful relationship when it was given a chance to be. im sorry i chose drugs before you over and over. and im sorry i was never honest about it. im sorry that i am terrible at listening and opening up. im sorry im terrible at communicating . and im sorry i blocked you right as we were making up. my sponsor said it was for the best and blocked you for me.