How is my current mental state? (Vent)

I would like to put a tw before I start! This does talk about self harm topics! so sometimes feel like kinda empty and like just bored even when I'm having the most fun ever and I don't know how to get rid of it. I've tried therapy and venting daily and getting better but nothing works I feel like I've been stuck feeling like this emptiness and it's like not even sad anymore it's just numbness. But when I get super stimulated I run around and have fun and always hate myself after because I realize I was probably annoying everyone around me. I barely feel anymore because I have nothing to do on the daily so to feel something other then emptyness or anger I turned to self harm. I started trying to cut myself since I was 9 and I found a way to successfully do it when I was about to turn 10 I first attempted suicide when I was 10 and I tried a couple times after I'm 11 now. My parents used to not side with me whenever I talked about it so I just kept quiet. My mom started being a parent 10 years to late an my dad had a drug addiction when he was the only parent who actually parented me. I lived with my grandma for like 8 months when I was younger and that's how I got my attention I also had this friend named Sara (s - are - uh) and she was super sweet this was before I started becoming depressed but I me her in a daycare but the daycare workers always separated us for no reason. No one's ever liked me very much and I understand why but I feel like I don't deserve it.