everybody sucks

5/27/2023

I'm not sure how to start this and I wouldn't post this if I knew my friends in real life would see this. I'm not trying to shit talk them or anything, I just want to get this off my chest and if anybody who relates to this sees this they might feel better knowing they aren't alone.

So basically. I really don't have many friends. I have no friends at school, yes, I have maybe 2 or 3 people I can talk to in some of my classes and I'm not a total nobody since a lot of people who go to my school all went to the same middle school as I did. But like, I don't have a "friend group" or anybody to hang out with after school, eat lunch with, etc. I'm being deadass, I eat lunch in a bathroom stall everyday. 

So anyway, I have a sport that I do most days after school (its not a school team though btw). I'm on this team and even though where we practice is arguably the shittiest part of town, we have always had problematic coaches going in and out, and people quitting weekly, there's a good amount of girls who have stuck around for years and I would consider them to be my closest friends. I've known some of these girls for 5+ years. Our circumstances at practice are very far from perfect and most of us don't even like the sport all that much anymore, we mostly just refuse to quit because we still have each other. Every year more and more girls quit and our little group becomes smaller and smaller.

Although we're all really close, we are all pretty different types of people. I'm not saying you can't be friends with people that are different than you, I'm just saying we all probably wouldn't be friends if we had gone to school together or something like that. 

The thing is, even though the girls on my sports team are like my best friends, sometimes its painfully obvious that they don't feel the same about me. They don't hate me or dislike me in anyway, but it's just so obvious that they only see me as a backup friend. The thing is its not even their fault. Obviously, you would be closer to somebody you see 5 days a week oppose to somebody you only see 3 times a week.

It just pisses me off that some of them don't even try to hide the fact that they clearly do not care about me all that much. Don't get me wrong a lot of girls match my energy are some of the nicest and funniest people I've ever met. But there's this one girl in particular who I gave my all to, who just could not give a shit. It wouldn't have bothered me so much if I hadn't been in love with her the whole time, but i still don't even want to admit that, not even to myself.