daily rambling

Day six thousand eight hundred and fifteen of breathing. My days seem monotonous i don’t do much. some days i fear why i lack passion for anything specific in my life. i have many hobbies but none are good enough to turn into a career. i feel like others my age have something they’re certain, at least at this moment, that they could do for the rest of their life. I’ve taken a gap year since i graduated and it’s almost up. the top two majors i’m most interested in are graphic design and psychology. they’re both subjects i’m very interested in but on one hand i could become a starving artist and on the other what if i don’t like psychology what if it’s too hard? what if 8 years is too long my youth is done i’ll be past the party age my life dedicated to learning. not that learning is bad i just want too much. i want to travel, i want to have fun, i want to try new things, i wanna live all kinds of places, learn new languages, learn from other cultures. could i do those thing just by going to college and getting a job? i feel like no? also i want a life partner and a house and dog and kids. i don’t think i want to be a house wife but i also like the idea of not working. when do i stop having a career and become mom? could i still have a career as mom? i hate the idea of what a woman “should do” i want to rebel i want to say “you’re wrong being a mom and cooking and cleaning and staying home isn’t all a woman is good for” but i want that? but also i don’t. am i the only one with this dilemma? i have two futures in my head can i have both or do i have to choose? can i travel and do all of those things and have a career and be mom? i don’t want to give up my life to start a new one for someone else and let my partner live theirs. anyway for some reason im convinced that the choice i make for my future college degree will effect the entire course of my life and they could be completely different paths. i have to make the correct choice now or else i’ll regret it for the rest of my life. i wish i could stop time and i’d have an infinite amount of time to come up with the answer of what i’m supposed to do for the rest of my life. do others really know? or are they faking it. should i just fake it and be like yeah this thing is it, i’m doing this for forever and i’m not worried at all about it and if it changes so be it. because i don’t feel like that one bit. if you feel the same or maybe just a similar way, you’re not alone. i want to say you don’t have to know because i don’t know. no one does i feel like there’s nothing wrong with uncertainty but when you let it control you it isn’t uncertainty it’s fear. xoxo crying and screaming, moth