dating & why i hate dating around

GOD second time writing this because it bugged and deleted it all the first time! anyways, heres why i hate dating around. first of all, it seems so superficial, expensive dates this, expensive gifts that, the constant pressure to seek approval from others about your relationship? plus the whole "just experimenting" thing. like i find someone i wanna be with forever, and they say they want that too, then later change their mind to "i was just experimenting by dating you! no hard feelings!" thats so shallow, consider how others feel maybe? 

anyways, theres dating apps for people who want something serious, but i can't do dating apps. too much pressure, must look PERFECT in pictures (which is a problem for me, i only look cute IRL according to literally EVERYBODY ,even my ex i met off an app said i look cuter in person!) i wanna meet someone organically, like we're friends and fall in love, or we meet at the grocery store and they think i'm pretty so they say hello and we begin to date and love eachother, i think love isnt in the superficial things like gifts and dates, its in the willingness to walk to the end of the earth with somebody. i've loved many people dearly. but they never loved me that much back, to the point of cheating (this is why i dont date swedish people anymore..) or just being plain abusive!

my thing is, i can make any relationship work, no matter how far apart we are, but i'm never able to find anyone else willing to put in the effort, like even when i lived 10 minutes away from my boyfriend, he never planned anything! and anything he planned, always involved him pressuring me into some shit i'm not into at all! 

my most recent ex though, i loved her so very dearly! and she can vouch that i was the perfect girlfriend to her, but it was just the wrong time, which obviously makes me sad, sometimes i miss her, but we talked it out and came to terms with the fact that its possible that we'll never be together in that way again, which honestly hurts..  

i feel like logically, i shouldnt be single by now, im loyal, kind, communicative, and i went to culinary school so i can cook and bake perfectly! even my ex vouches for me, so why am i still single? your guess is as good as mine. well, i have a bit of an idea, but it sounds a little pretentious, like, anytime im approached to date, theres always a catch to it, like "oh, i may change my mind, so.." or they're downright weird and only dating me because to them i look like a child or something, which obviously is WEIRD! like okay, i can be a little childish sometimes but its a little weird when you're only dating me because i remind you of one? did you forget i'm not actually a kid or something? weirdo..  

my longest relationship was 4 years and we broke up cause we began dating when we were like 12 and outgrew eachother as we grew up.. so.. that sucks but its okay! my second longest was a year, but shes a filthy cheater so i dont count her, third longest, 5 months, but he was physically abusive.. so i left the state to get away from him, AND he was a loser. so my relationships ending wasnt my fault, but its still a bit tiring

TLDR: i should have a partner by now because i am so perfect and cute and anyone who doesnt want me just doesnt understand true love anymore. also if i had a girlfriend i would love her and hug her and give her a kiss . and if i hjad a boyfriend. i would play video games and make music with him. because if i date a man, he has to be a musician, and also 6'0 and brunette and name has to be benjamin. thanks for listening everyone.