12:30am procrastination

one thing that really stuck with me before getting into university was this blog i found while scouring the net for info on my program.

very conveniently, it was the blog of a girl who had taken my program, albeit she had graduated nearly a decade ago. still, that was the experience of someone whose experience would mirror my own future, so i decided to binge every single post.

she didn't blog very consistently, but she made it through to graduation, so while there were large gaps timeline-wise, you could still have a pretty full picture of her college years.

all this to say, i have a final speech to give later today and i haven't finished my outline for it.

instead of finishing it, i wisely decided to make this little account. internally i justified it by thinking, "well, i'll be talking about making one of these accounts anyway. it's part of the project... kind of." and i'm not wrong, sure. but how can i be wrong if the entire thing is going to be modelled after my brainrot anyway?

at the very least, though, i can actually talk about what i think on here.

i think it's weird i feel such a strong need to justify my every action. sometimes it's valid, like with money and whatever rare merch purchase i am intent on. but with things like this? it can be a headache for sure, but i know myself best, and i know that hounding my already melting brain with the ominous mantra of "the deadline's coming. the speech has to be submitted soon. you'll need to present in exactly nine hours." will only have the opposite effect. so why do i keep doing it?

it's very much correct but also so washed up to chalk it up to hustle culture and capitalism, etc etc. true it may be, i'm tired of hearing it again and again. i want to understand if there's something deeper. or maybe that's just me wondering if i should actually see if i have adhd or something.

i think i've expelled enough nagging thoughts to focus now. i guess this is my very unfiltered soapbox now?