balance is hard

it makes a lot of sense, people feel smart and wise until they don't. the confusion kicks in when we are met with an even wiser individual. two types of people hatch from that experience: those who compete and the ones who devote themselves. i believe you can be both. for instance, i am a girl so if i meet a boy my age or younger i feel wiser and capable to overpower him intellectually. but my confidence and desire to dominate dwindles when i am met with someone older than me, age brings experience and francis bacon said by far the best proof is experience.

proof of what? you may wonder, and i tell you: proof they are far wiser and thus more respectable. there is nothing wrong with such a hierarchy in my eyes so long the power dynamic stays peaceful and nurturing.  and that is not as common as it should be, we see it with authoritarian parenting, instead of using this power in a good way, some parents abuse and groom their children to be fearful and mindless pawns. this breeds nothing but resentment, lots of rage, hatred even. 

a family home turns into a purgatory, school may or may not be an escape. or not. maybe nature? perhaps not even that. the computer. your smartphone. a book, pen and paper? i find myself turning to those things when i am being pushed into a corner. so far i have come to terms with some of the bad things that have happened to me, i try to separate the past from my present and i treasure the possibility of a peaceful future. it is hard though, if you haven't physically or emotionally escaped yet. for instance. you live with your family, you feel obligated to talk to your family. maybe it's not family? friends or coworkers, your boss, your lover? gods, i am afraid to venture this territory still. but the point is: if you are still there, the past can feel like the present. whether or not they hit you still, if they still yell at you, or you scramble to not make a noise incase they glare in your direction. 

the feeling of being trapped, gagged and constantly watched. it's scary. the chances of getting punished when you fail to break free, down right terrifying. even more heart wrenching when you have siblings, someone else who goes through the same thing or something worse maybe?

i don't know what else to say, so i'm leaving for now. 

blessed be

xoxo