So asexual it hurts

:(

No more post realisation

I've felt this way for a while but I denied it.

I thought I was gay and I had that questioned by my family. People speculating what I am. Who I am attracted to. A closed of identity at work and with the people I love. I can't relate to them. I have no one to relate to. It's hard to explain to people that you have the opposite reaction to something they want so badly. That they'll stay with someone just for this one thing. To crave intimacy and become jealous of others who receive it.

I don't get jealous when my friends have sex. I feel sad that for them my platonic love will never be enough and that the both of us can't relate.

You rave about this thing that's so amazing. That you spend money on. But I don't see the desire In me to do that. And that feels lonely. Something of my own - something I can only relate to. A lifetime of explaining that I'm different to you. I can't be who you want me to be.

And that's okay

I'm happy with where I am. But my mind always drifts to the reaction of others. The confrontation. The confusion. The ' I don't understand' 'maybe you'll find the right one' 'maybe you should try it with this person'. But I don't want any of that. I want people to understand that. Whatever label it might be. 

The intimacy I want is different. Not sex but the strongest platonic love once can get. The infatuation with another and wanting to be constantly close with someone to the point of toxicity. I've had it before and it was the best and worst thing. Hard to come by. 

Operator - Yves Tumor