05.19.23 - 07.22.23 | Self Absorbed Blurbs - Mini Diary Entries

NEW SYSTEM - MINI DIARY ENTRIES

Wednesday, May 17 2023. —

I haven’t been online in a while, so today I write again! I went to the dentist and they fixed my tooth. The difference is noticeable and wonderful. I like my dentist and I trust them and yet I still shake and my heart beats hard at the thought of anyone judging my teeth for any reason at all. I doubt I’m the only one. 💗🥱

 Friday, May 19 2023. —

Yesterday was my boyfriend’s birthday! It was good. Sometimes I wish I could read specifically my partner’s mind. It would really help reassure me that he actually likes me. Of course that would ruin the whole idea of what exploration in a relationship is and the concept of why romantic relationships are valued (the work it takes to know and learn to love someone). Despite all of this, I still wish I could read his mind. This probably just reveals how much I care about him if I value what he thinks about me so much and how true his words are. I just wish he didn’t have to communicate with me through words, but instead could just project his thoughts and feelings into my head and I could interpret with no bias and no walls. It would probably hurt? Maybe. Maybe he feels less attached to this than I do, but I really can’t tell because of the way that people express love in a sort of pulse rhythm when they both have busy lives, forced to lovebomb the moment the situation and mindset calls for it only to have things to attend to later on. I do it too. But… if I could tell what they’re feeling then I could probably know what to do. 

Friday, May 19 2023. —

I know its the same day but I forgot to mention that I’m graduating next week and I’ve been struggling with the way my family planned a vacation immediately after my graduation. I need to plan for college, the gears just started turning right on my relationship, AND I need a break, but I will be leaving the country for 3 weeks. Normally I wouldn’t be mad about that because I feel privileged to even visit my home country but.. oh well. I’ll just start college in the spring semester. Hopefully.

Monday, May 22 2023. —

Today I found a heart shaped leaf. I remember me and my boyfriends first date, he named every plant we walked past, scientific name and origin, talked about what colors the flowers would be if they bloomed. He’s a biology major and I hope it works out. My family situation is real rocky and I don’t have as many freedoms as I would like, so the situations that directly affect our relationship are rocky too. It’s hard to believe people when they tell you they love you. Is it like that for you, baller? Anyway, got my cap and gown today. Graduating soon. Got a plaque with my name on it with the word “DIPLOMA” on it. It was pretty surreal, I don’t think it fully hit me until I saw that. I think a lot of people have been through a lot the past four years and I was so sure I wouldn’t make it. I did, I guess. It still hasn’t fully sunk in yet. I’ve been wearing my cap for upwards of an hour. I don’t know how to feel… Probably should feel excited but I laughed pretty manically for a couple minutes when I walked away from where they were handing out cap and gowns, probably because I didn’t cry. Anyway, heart-shaped leaf. Check it out!! 

Saturday, Jul 22 2023. —

Okay so, I graduated and for most of June I was in the Philippines. I ended up going having quite the manic episode for two or three weeks after I had gotten back, and I’m just now coming out of it. I’m alriighttt but it’s just been a little rough coming down. Hopefully bein’ on here will fix some of that! Currently eating chocolate. One of life’s greatest pleasures. Broke up with that BF in the last entry.

FAREWELL AND UNTIL NEXT TIME !!!