smoking TW: s-word & ED

i used to hate smoking. despise it. not until i've been feeling like the empty feeling in my chest is eating me alive. i knew the only legal way to get help from nicotine is through smoking. so, i smoked cigarettes whenever i felt like dy1ng. but the cigarettes trigger my allergies and gets me sick and unable to speak properly for a week. so people suggested vapes, and at first i thought i'm too broke for it, but the time came wherein i was too suicidal to not want to spend money. i was thinking of a getting a tattoo at first but for 2 days every tattoo shop i went to was closed. then i stumbled upon a vape shop and they had a big promo that day lol. i felt like it was meant to be huhu. i love how you could choose the nicotine content in vapes and that it looks pretty -- i even added stickers to mine lol. 

so at the first few days of using vape everything was fine and i just get a little dizzy. i smoked whenever i feel tense or being eaten alive again.. or when the weather is too hot i searched for the cooling effect the vape does to my throat. i also smoked when i'm late to school and haven't eaten breakfast bc nicotine makes you not hungry (pls don't do this). fast forward it's been almost a week of using vape and i finally got sick lol. not as severe as the sickness that cigarettes cause me but it still sucks. the cigarettes made me cough so hard that i vomit.. and rn sickness rn feels like a regular fever without the hot temperature..

so yeah... iu'm just trying to fight for my life mentally ^ ^. i don't know how i could still get through my life. sometimes i feel like i could just pass out any moment.