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Massive TW big rant about depression, suicide, self harm, eating disorders, and dissociation.
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Stayed up super late distracting myself so as to not relapse. Still wasn't very good coping. By the time it reached like 10 am I realized I can't just go to sleep for the day because Generation Loss (super cool live horror project coming soon) is having the first merch drop today. I'm waiting for the second merch drop but the creator said even if you don't want merch there's gonna be something cool and probably lore related and I need to see it. So now it's noon and I haven't slept and the drop is at 2 so I have to keep going. I have personally experienced thinking that I can just set an alarm and then oversleeping for like at least 4 hours more than I planned. Once I lose energy I'm gone so I gotta stay hyped on the sleep deprivation high like in middle school. Middle school really fucking sucked lol. I've also eaten like once in the last 30 hours. I feel like I'm dying. Obviously the logical conclusion is that I should get off my phone and eat but I don't want to. Not in like an eating disorder way. I wish it was easier to just slip away from life via neglecting your health. Like I could just not eat for a while and then bam I'm gone. You can technically do that but it takes really long, is definitely not as sweet and painless as slipping away, and it's hard to purposely do that because your natural survival instincts kick in. But the same can be said of most non-gorey suicide methods. Or even gorey ones tbh. Does this count as self harm if I don't eat? I don't really wanna reset my counter. It feels like I deserve this. Like it's not self harm if it's just what should be happening to me right now. I think this is probably the least I deserve. Actually I do want to reset my counter but not over this specifically. It's kinda crazy how easy it is to get access to dangerous things. I'm not underage anymore but even when I was. You can buy practically anything to harm yourself on Amazon. You can get lots of scalpels and steri strips for really cheap. Although making it harder to get certain blades such as scalpels wouldn't stop anyone. Can't ban shaving razors or pencil sharpeners. This wild train of thought makes me sound like I'm loopy or under some kind of influence. I feel kinda like I'm dissociating right now. It happens pretty often. Sometimes it's easier to ask when I'm NOT dissociating. I just change between different types. Right now it's more of dissociating myself from my emotions. I feel a calm numb. I fucking hate it. I hate all of this. I don't even know why I'm still doing it. But Generation Loss is coming out soon. I've waited for over a year. Not that anyone cares but I'm gonna stick around for that I guess.
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Aymu
I care that you stick around lol.
I don't mentally feel any urge to self-harm like you so I can't really understand your feelings but you probably aren't looking for people relate to you or not- I know I wasn't when I was at my lowest point, if anything it annoyed me hearing people trying to relate to me since I just wanted to get better, not hear about other people that are struggling.
I think you've done really really well so far just by having the mentality of aiming to not self-harm and actually going through efforts to aim for goals.
Not eating isn't self-harming as much as it's self-destructive behaviour imo btw but self-destructive behaviours aren't good either, they're more indirect; not that I have to tell you that, you sound pretty smart.
If my comments are ever annoying, just mention; I'm pretty autistic and don't pick up on things unless they're spelt out.
Communication is pretty cool imo.
by Aymu; ; Report