Wow

I must be doing something wrong on the site. I just saw someone with thee most interesting blog page. My jaw freaking dropped. The added stuff in there like pictures and headers, it was quite impressive. I need to up my game. Though I say that like anyone is reading this lol. I love the thought of a blog, but some people just have the it power that I just don't bring. I think mainly because when I'm writing my brain doesn't stay on topic. Like at any moment I could go off about nge again or my favorite k-pop idol. I'm also a little impatient. Everyday I get up and check my friends blog post (if there is a new one), I go on the groups to see if anyone responds, I see if I have any friend requests. I have to keep telling myself that it's only been 3 days and just calm down but sometimes it makes me feel even more alone in the world.

I always struggled with feeling like i belonged somewhere. Even when I was with my friends in school, I felt like even if I was there physically I wasn't really there. I didn't say much cause I didn't have much to say. I didn't give my opinion much cause I never knew what to say. But when I was online I talked almost too much lol. Maybe because I thought it was a nice quiet place to just throw up my words without fear of something. I don't know what. I'm not 16 anymore. But even then I still have the same problem. In my first year of college I didn't talk to anyone, stayed in my room, ate in my room, I started journaling because I had no one to talk to. And then when I did make friends it was the worst choice of friends ever. The feeling of being there but not really was even more intense. Maybe because I went to a male dominated school or they just didn't want me around, it was so upsetting to be around them. If they weren't making fun of me because I was a girl, I would be manipulated because I was a girl. And the nerve of him to say he had a crush on me. I have to laugh at such a painful memory. 

We're getting off track. I love this blog so much. Sometimes I have an urge to post multiply times a day. How fun it would be to write my every waking thoughts and hope that someone out there reads it and feels the same way too. Even if they don't leave a comment or kudos maybe the fact that it's out there and they can read it at any time makes them feel a little secure. Or maybe I'm just projecting. Maybe this blog is just an echo of my thoughts and fears I needed to hear back. That sounds really depressing, eh well every now and then I'll talk about something happy. It'll do me some good right? 

Complete topic change but sometimes I view my life as a movie. Like my past and my feelings are displayed in a movie. The whole thing plays out in my mind in Twilight blue. I have the soundtrack playing in my head and it's just right. This is how you can tell that someone spends too much time on Pinterest and spotify lol. But it just makes sense ya know. 

I don't have anything on my mind right now. If I do, I'm not gonna hold back and wait till tomorrow. Such a silly rule I gave myself.

Signing out

-cherry