feeling heavy

i feel so sad i could dissolve into nothing and still feel the weight of a thousand meaningless boulders pinning me down. why did it have to hit now? why me. i know why it's here but surely i'm not that sensitive? why did i have to be triggered today of all days and why must the people i care most about blow me off now? nothing matters other than them and now they're ceasing to matter too because they aren't here. i always do my best to give them what they need when they need it when is it my turn?

my temperature reflects my emotion and now i am in a whirling snowstorm, struggling to fend against the biting winds. times like this i really wish i could turn into a giant isopod and regain humanity when i'm ready to deal with the consequences of it. i don't get it. am i really that hard to understand? i'm barely even difficult to please or entertain and yet i'm always the one doing it. it can't be that every single person i'm around is bad, i've got to be the issue.

it's really annoying and i feel kind of hopeless. i wish i could have left this feeling in the past but my lows always return and screw everything up. it feels better to write it out and escape for a moment but reality comes crashing back the moment i try to do something else, i could make thousands of monologues. i could write books of just frustration and woe but it won't do anything other than gross me out and temporarily relieve this weight.