i don't really have a name for this yet

when i feel envy...

it lingers in the pit of my throat. it feels suffocating because why should i even breathe if someone does it better than me? i could and will never compare to such an astonishing person. and that fact slowly consumes me, running down to my stomach. i feel uneasy, as it bubbles with self doubt. my heart feels heavy and dark. i feel disgusted with myself. how could i even be on the same planet earth as this angel while this is who i am?

so i will try to mirror you. since you are such a gorgeous human being you should understand that the only way i could ever hope to achieve your beauty is by trying to become you entirely inside and out.

i will jump through your hoops. i will psychoanalyze you and your habits. i will mimic the way you speak until i've figured out how you do it. and once i do.. maybe i'll even get a compliment or two from you. i've put on a replica of your shoes, can you tell? i've went through trial and error to become just like you, to become perfection personified, but. it just doesn't work for me. my feet don't fit your shoes and.. i cannot fit through your hoops.

i can't seem to figure it out. that one part of you. you know, the one which allows you to move so gracefully through each room you step foot in. the one that makes light of your gorgeous facial expressions. the one that makes everyone feel oh so close to you. but i couldn't tell you any of this, nor could i ever even dream about approaching you. you would think just asking a simple question like “where did you get your perfume from?” would be sufficient for me but that will not work. i need to be you, i need to know how you do it. so i.. will try to mirror you.