Recovering slowly

It's been a slow, painful, and exhausting few days for me. The grief really punched me in the gut and left me to die, it feels like. I finally am able to eat decent food, and I've mostly rehydrated myself. I've gotten significant energy back - not all of it, but a lot more. So that's a good sign. 

I am still absolutely crushed by what happened. Just thinking or talking about it makes me want to cry immediately. It still hurts, but I'm trying my best to manage. I'm trying to focus on the good things in life for now. 

Since my last post, a lot has happened - a lot of good things. The FAA cleared me for some past medical issues they were bugging me on for months, now I just gotta send them another letter in regards to my scoliosis (which has never once caused me a single problem ever, but the AME noticed my curved spine back in November and marked that down...)

Despite being super weak and dehydrated, I dragged myself to the Civil Air Patrol meeting this week, by a miracle. It was a great meeting, lots of new people came in, and we had a safety briefing. Our squadron is really cool, the commander actually just came back from a pretty big counterdrug mission so that was awesome. 

Also, I saw a huge C-130 Hercules today that flew over our house. I'm going to post the crusty cell phone photos onto Instagram. I promise, it looked way cooler in person....

My academic advisor called me today and sent her condolences. She let me know not to worry about missing my deadlines for my university work, since, well, I couldn't get that presentation submitted on time. 

Grief is no joke. The physical manifestations of it are pretty dangerous and scary. I cannot express just how awful I've been feeling - even now, I'm not fully recovered. I'm maybe 60% of the way there. 

Anyways, I'm gonna be getting my CAP uniform later on this month and start the training so I'm pretty excited. I'm also going to have to start waking up early every other day for work because there's a new program and I had a bit of an orientation today. 

It's awesome, the clients apparently get to visit the local Air Force Base sometimes (which absolutely blew my mind to hear, that's a hell of a field trip and I wonder if I'd ever be able to accompamy my client on that, haha.) 

Overall, there's certainly more good things than bad things going for me right now and I have a good amount of support to help me move forward. But still, I won't deny how I feel physically and emotionally. That little cat was someone special to me, and I'm not ready to put her death past me yet. It's too soon. 

My dad's been really edgy and aggressive lately. Maybe this situation set him off. My mom says that he was crying in private, but it's certainly obvious that he doesn't want anyone to know he's hurting. And his coping mechanism is to just lash out at me and call me weak and pathetic for... Grieving and being sick? 

Whatever... 

Tomorrow is a very, very important day for me. It's going to be the 10-year mark of one of the most amazing days of my life. I'll make a post about that... And I'll try not to make it a wordy, depressing ramble. 

But anyways. That's what's been going on with me so far. Can't wait for my body to heal. I don't wanna beat myself up anymore for being human and feeling human things.