truth

I really do wish I am who I make myself to be online, hyper, energetic, cutesy etc

but I'm not really. I'm pretty mellow I'm very quiet I don't really get along with people I feel dead most of the time i hate all my irl friends nobody really ever dares to talk to me when I think someone likes me and will talk to me everyday I get slapped with the cold truth that they've probably gotten bored of me and my lack of voice and decided to give up on being friends with me. they think they can just ignore me until they get bored of all their other cooler better friends then come to me to vent and expect me to be there for them. what hurts more is that its probably true, i always be there to listen but honestly I'm too emotionally drained to care about them when they do. its hard not find them annoying, it feels like all my friendships are built in comforting them they don't want to get to know me they don't want me as a friend I'm like a venttwtitter account to them, let out all your feelings then logout and only log back in when u don't have anyone else to talk to.

I should love my life. I have a great mother who doesn't give me a hard time at all and she buys me all I want and always listens to me although I was neglected for my whole life and bullied by my siblings that's not my life anymore, I'm very comfortable at home but outside is a different story. I don't feel like I belong anywhere. I've been to so many different schools but none of them I felt good in. I started viewing school as a jail I felt like I was being choked every time I stepped foot in the school bus, I never had friends, teachers are always so bothered by my silence, I'm really bad at taking tests, the only thing I really know how to do at school is draw and make pretty notes. every time I got shopping or to the park I feel sick, I feel like I'm wasting my time I feel like I'm missing out on something more important like studying or playing video games. I don't feel safe outside I always feel like there's someone watching me I know its all in my head but that doesn't change the fact that the feeling is still there, that paranoia eats me alive.

i just really hope this will all be over soon.