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Category: Life

RSD is actually the WORST

TW discussion of self harm

I've been doing really well recently. Working on a lot of self reflection in therapy, learning to accommodate my needs, properly coping for once, and I'm almost done with my transition. I feel like I should feel great because things are great right now but my brain still works in extremes and it's so easy to kill my mood entirely. I've also been discussing interpersonal relationships a lot with my therapist recently because that's where a lot of my trauma stems from so I think that's been opening up a soft spot for me. I'm doing great working on myself but I'm almost entirely alone all the time and it sucks. All this insecurity regarding (platonic) relationships that I'm addressing in therapy is still very prevalent with me and now that I barely have anyone it's basically multiplied. For anyone who doesn't know, Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD) is a trait commonly but not exclusively associated with autism and ADHD and it basically describes an extreme reaction to rejection or perceived rejection. There's a movie my mom and I want to see this week and she texted me saying that she's going to rewatch the first two so I texted her and said wait a minute while I change I wanna watch too. She started it without me because she didn't look at her phone. She often has a tendency to be inattentive towards me and it comes off as very inconsiderate and like I don't matter. I generally try my best to ignore it because she's not being malicious but I was already trying to distract myself today because I went online for like 3 minutes and immediately had to take a break after nothing but videos about why I don't deserve rights for being trans and/or being black. I also have experienced that inattentiveness from my abusers A LOT in the past so it's particularly frustrating and all the negativity overstimulated me and set me off. I stayed in my room quietly upset instead of going downstairs and my thoughts went spiraling like they do. I reeeeaaalllyyy wanted to cut myself. I still want to cut myself. I've been clean for 7 months though and I've never made it that long. I think my previous longest streak was like 2 months because I repeatedly relapsed after 2 months each for about a year. It's just so frustrating because it's such a stupid thing to almost relapse over and I feel like I should be happy and grateful because my life is going well right now but I just can't get over this stupid mental illness. Mental illness sucks. I wish I could just poof the depression and C-PTSD away. Ironically I calmed myself down by watching other people cut themselves on shtwt. That method is a gamble and I only do it when I'm REALLY worried I'm gonna cut because it's like a 50/50 on whether that makes me feel better or makes me want to do it even more. It's a last resort. And shtwt is such a toxic fucking place. I used to frequent a lot of pro sh discord servers in sophomore and junior year of highschool and it was probably one of the worst lows of my life. I really thought the longer you refrain from doing it the less pull this shit would have on you but it's been 7 months and I really want to ruin it all. I'm so sick of this. 

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