Dumb

I’ve always thought I’m a bit stupid. Dense. Slow. People have told me. The thought of it, or maybe the fact, that I am indeed what people portray me as since I started to learn how to walk and speak would always befuddle me. Everytime I do something that would prove it, whether I blunder in front of people, or it takes me too long to understand a joke, or I have no idea how certain things work, it fills me with humiliation and sometimes, dread. My body would tremble and I run to cry in the nearest corner.

But am I actually stupid? I wouldn’t learn how to walk and speak if I am. I wouldn’t be able to stand on one feet and walk or jump. I wouldn’t be able to even write this entry. I reckon that I am actually smart. I never had a grade lower that 3 or 85. I got voted to be the writer for our class’ play in high school. I was the 2nd student to top the class in elementary. I can do a lot of things. I can love. I love a lot of people especially my dear partner. I have so much emotions, so much things to share, so much to show, but why do I still stand as a stupid person to many people? Why is it so hard to evince my smartness to them? Especially to my mom. My mom. My mom who always thinks I can’t do anything by myself. My mom who calls me an idiot for making the tiniest mistake and for not knowing things when all she did was belittle and insult my existence. Everytime she denigrates me, I just feel more and more stupid when I know I’m not. She talks foul for my denseness when she raised me like this. I always felt I had the responsibility to ask for help. To know things. This house always felt like I’m the only one living in it.

I am proud of myself for letting myself learn so many things by my own, be educated and gain the knowledge my mom would never tell me. It hurts how from all the things I’ve done, it will always not be enough. It hurts how people always place an emphasis on us for the worst than for our best. I’m now 20 but I still feel like a vulnerable little girl.

I am finally moving out tomorrow. A place where I can finally escape the agony my family built with this house. I think of my mother’s words of how I will never be able to live with myself. I know I can and I will try my best to prove her and everyone wrong. But I know even how much I will try, I will always still be an idiot to her.