Productivity, Motivation, and Disappointment

My mind is going again this week. And I feel like I need to talk about motivation, productivity, and how my brain reacts. 

I think it is safe to say I'm a perfectionist with workaholic tendencies. I have a hard time finding value in myself when I'm not being useful. This is both a bad thing and a good thing.

I mean it is good for the fact that I really push myself to be my best, to put out my best work, and to keep up with the things I care about. This is so embarrassing but: as a kid I used to make myself "Contracts." Like legit I would write out something that I wanted to achieve, and the steps I needed to take to get there; as well as a punishment for if I fell short. And I signed these things, they were like "legally binding..." at least in my head. If I fell short I enforced that punishment, and If I didn't the original goal was achieved; which was enough for me in most cases. 

I know that, that isn't the most healthy way to go about things, but I try to harness this short coming to make it a strength. It's not like I want to abandon it... If I did then I would just become lazy and get nothing done. That's not who I am, or who I want to be. 

But it is hard to find a balance. Currently my system is a goal list every week. I put together a list of things I would like to have done before the next week. It can be something as easy as washing my car, reading to a specific page in my book, going for however many walks, etc... I try to make it positive and achievable for me in the timeframe that I have. And I would say most weeks I make it. That makes me feel like I have accomplished something, and I look forward to the next weeks list. 

But some weeks, like this week, I just don't. There was no good reason not to. My goals were achievable, I had enough time to pursue them. Is it burnout when you just can't? And why can't I? I enjoy the things on the list. I like reading, I like watching piercing videos and listening to podcasts, I like exploring the outdoors, I like taking baths, I like putting in work on my self (even though therapy assignments can sometimes be really draining). So why is it some weeks I just can't seem to open a book or go outside? Maybe I can't film a video, or post for my job online. They don't have to be hard things for me to not be able to do them. 

Honestly I wonder if it has to do with school. I felt like the bulk of my praise as a child came with how well I did at school or how hard I was trying at school. I thrived on the structure and the deadlines. Making a study guides, working on a project, or planning my day; that stuff was my ISH! And once I left school I never had it again. Is now the issue I don't get the same praise? Is it becomes my parents don't acknowledge all that I do? Is it because I don't have a teacher that is proud of me? Is it because I don't have other students who are begging for my study guides? Or is there something deeper here? 

Sometimes I really feel like I'm on the right track. I'm working toward a career that I love, and I'm doing all the "crazy" things I usually do when working towards a goal. (Because of course I have to be perfect). I have my own place, I take care of my plants, and my pets, and myself for the most part. 

But other times I just don't see the point. I feel like all I do is disappoint the people in my life. I don't make enough money, I don't have the same "successes" they had in life by my age, I don't nail a piercing technique, I'm not in a relationship, I'm not married, I don't have kids, my apartment isn't spotless, I don't have a house, I don't reach out to people enough,  I take to long to do a certain task. It's not fair to me to always feel like a burden. 

Am I motivating myself? Are others motivating me? Is it a mix of both, that depends on the person and the situation?

These are the things I think about when I have days where I just can't do anything. And if I talk to people about it they always give me the same advice: "it's okay to have a lazy day" and "listen to your body" and "you probably just need the rest." But if all of that is true: Why do I feel so scummy afterwards? Why do I feel like when I don't spend every waking moment of every day making myself into the best and most efficient version of myself; that I am just a complete and utter waste of  human life? How do I achieve the balance that other people have? How do I be both kinder to myself and still keep up with my goals?

I know these are all questions I need to find answers to on my own. And I know that therapy can help me with this. But sometimes I wish there was just a solution I could come up with now. I pride myself on my work ethic and drive, but I don't want it to be what defines me.