hihihihihi

May 6 2023

I don’t feel good. I want to cry but the things I cry over are horrible and it makes me feel dramatic. I feel like I’ll go back to cutting but the guilt isn’t okay. The guilt that day when I finished cutting and my mom came home with the groceries was horrible. I felt so bad and wanted to apologize over and over but I couldn’t. Cutting feels so good because it makes you feel like you're not in debt anymore. That’s one way to put it. I was laying down with my mom and didn’t have my hoodie on. I was going to fall asleep but was scared of my sleeves going up that I went outside and put my hoodie on. I lied to her that I just found it and decided to put it on. I felt terrible and horrible. Sometimes I feel like finding any drug and trying it to see if I’ll forget everything and be calm. I know it doesn’t work like that but I just need it. I want to be happy and honest but I can’t be something I’m not capable of being. My grades are killing me and the shame isn’t helping me at all. How will I make my parents proud is something that I ask myself a lot. The answer is I can’t and I won’t. My dog is scratching my door but he’s not allowed to go outside right now. I’m watching Netflix and it’s fun but this show is so depressing at times. I feel like Penelope. I have 2 small snickers. I can admit that I oversexualize myself a lot and could do it in the future to make money. It’s my last resort though. I’ll do anything I can and if nothing works then I go homeless, I oversexualize myself even more, or I can commit suicide. One day at a time is so good. Alex is so funny. He just said hee-hee. It’s the storage wars episode.