I couldn't fly today. / The loss of a cat.

I'm just.... Really hurting a lot more than I expected I would. No matter how hard I tried to push the thoughts away, it's only been 24 hours since the kitty passed away. I'm still distraught. This morning I woke up so sick to my stomach. I tried eating, but it made me sicker.

My family wanted to drive me to the airport today, because they were gonna spend the day at a nearby event. But I just had a wave of dizziness, and we had to pull over, and I just.. Emptied my stomach. It was awful. I started sobbing, and all my dad could do was berate me. 

It hurts enough already to have witnessed the passing of an animal I cared about for 5 years. And I hoped that somehow flying would help me feel better for a while. But my body responded poorly, and I really just had to accept that I couldn't do it. 

My dad was telling me that I'm too weak and that I need to have "nerves of steel", saying, how am I ever going to become a real pilot if something like this affects me so much. 

You know what? That felt like a slap in the face. I can't believe how cruel he was. He was the one throwing temper tantrums over that cat. Maybe he didn't love her, but I did. He fucking screamed at us and threatened to divorce my mom if he caught us feeding her. 

I would sneak food to her when I could, my mom too. My dad knew my mom was feeding her, but never found out that I also did. She wasn't just a stray cat, she was a person. A friend. She was a part of our family and I cared about her. Our cats loved her. She was here every single day. I'm allowed to feel sad. I'm allowed to cry. 

Anyhow, I had to cancel my flight and we drove back home. I haven't had anything to eat all day, I just feel so sick and depressed.

My heart is breaking, seeing my cats also grieve. They're somewhat in denial, they know she's gone, but they keep checking all of her hiding spots just in case she's there. Even I thought I saw her walking by this morning. And... Well, it wasn't her, of course. 

This is a very difficult thing to process. The passing of a pet or just any animal you've been close to, is not an easy experience. I just wish I could have done more for her. I'm glad I was able to feed her one whole can of food just a couple of days before her passing. 

Oh my god, I'm in so much pain. I'm really, really hurting.

I just know she is in a better place now. No more suffering. 

Rest in peace, Maggie. You were a staple in our household. You were an angel to our cats. I'm sorry we couldn't do more for you.