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(they/she) this is kind of a rant bc i have a lot of thoughts that i need to get out there and nowhere else to say it, so if it makes very little sense then im sorry :((
i just wanted to talk about being aroace for a bit (specifically being fully aroace, no attractions whatsoever). i absolutely LOVE my identity and i dont want to come off as being like "oh being aroace is ALL bad and awful and there is NO joy to be had" because thats not true. i love the fact that i will never have relationship struggles or drama. or performance issues. or having to deal with the "rules" of dating. i love that my friends come to me for advice because they need an "outsiders opinion." i love that ill never have to worry about accidentally falling in love with someone i thought of purely as a friend. but the fact that i will never deal with those things also isolates me from all my friends, and that makes me really sad sometimes.
i rarely ever go a day without seeing ppl talking about being in love, or having a crush. i get a lot of fomo from that, and feel like im missing out on something magical. everyone says that love is a beautiful feeling that youll get addicted to. that its the best feeling you can ever feel. i will never feel that. and sometimes i really want to. i want to be able to relate to my friends and colleagues. i want to know what they are feeling, i want to be that kind of happy, but itll never happen. and if i were to tell these ppl that ill get the usual "well never say never!!" that annoys me to no end. and it sucks.
not to mention how the queer community treats us. when we're not being outright invalidated and told that "we're not real" "everyone feels attraction" "youre too young to know" (even tho im literally 18 lmao), we're being ignored. the queer community is united by the fact that we experience attraction (+ life in general but im talking about attraction specifically here) in a different way to cishets. but if you dont experience attraction at all youre left out. like youre standing in the corner of the party while everyone else gets to dance.
and the struggles of figuring out your identity past your aroace-ness is also a struggle. "am i aroace or am i really just a late bloomer? am i attracted to her or do i just like her style? do i feel attraction at all? i seem to be drawn to women more than men irl but i could never date them because that makes me feel uncomfy. but i feel certain ways towards fictional characters, does that mean anything? am i faking this? id never date a man but if a woman asked me i might consider it more. but i wouldnt say yes, would i? how do i figure this out more? how do i know if i have a crush? i blush when i see her and she complimented me which made me happy, but was it just because shes pretty and i like her style? the thought of doing anything romantic or intimate makes me want to throw up. what if im faking this? why am i even considering this, im aroace so this whole dating and intimacy stuff wont even apply to me. but i need to know. do i? what does being in love feel like? have i felt it before without realizing it? how would i know? i get really jealous seeing my friends with their partners being so happy together. its not fair that they can feel this way and i cant. is this jealousy what a crush feels like? no, absolutely not i would rather tattoo a dick on my forehead than date them. am i faking this?" its hell.
again, i really do love being aroace. but it can be really hard to accept sometimes. i dont have anyone i can share this with because i dont have any aroace friends irl. theyll try their best to understand but they wont be able to. so i just decided to write this into the spacehey void and see if anyone here relates lol. i hope at least one person can understand this, im not really good at being coherent when ranting lmao
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Ahriadne
Hello ^_^ I think what's important here is to not force anything. Let yourself feel your feelings you don't have to conform to any one thing because you are YOU! You are unique! Maybe you just haven't found the one person who you fall in love with and that's okay! Maybe you won't want to and that's okay too. It's okay to feel fear, or anxiety, or fomo. It's all a part of life we don't have to fit a mold. Sometimes it's okay to go out of your comfort zone to explore what could be. You don't have to socialize with someone with the intention of dating. Just hangout and have fun ^_^ What happens later or what doesn't happen is all up to however both people are feeling. It's okay to be confused about love and what it is. When you do find it you'll know. It's a happy and innocent feeling. You be you ^_^ be free and happy! Have fun!
josiana
hey i'm also ace-spec! you're right about it being so confusing, but as a slightly older person in the same-ish gay category, i figured i can offer some insight because cishets for some reason really lack clarity when they're describing things.
i've experienced "platonic love" and "romantic love" and they're actually the exact same thing! when people describe the magical feeling of romance or romantic love, they usually mean they're feeling attraction and love at the same time. love is just an emotional bond that can be very intimate, but it can be intimate without being sexual or romantic. the deep, adoring love that i feel for my friends is the same sensation that i've felt being ~in love~ with someone.
although this kinda love (in my experience) is usually different than the kind you experience with your family growing up. maybe it's because when you're young you can't conceptualise it properly. so i think properly feeling love for the first time as an adult or teen is special because you can finally feel this emotion properly if that makes sense?? that's how i would describe it anyway.
the reason that people describe magic in regards to romance is usually to do with feelings of personal validation. they finally feel good enough, they finally feel beautiful, they finally feel completely accepted by someone, they can't believe someone this beautiful likes them back, etc. when you experience those things it makes you feel like you're high.
these are ofc all my personal experience and you don't have to listen to it or anything, but i feel like my life would've been easier if i had known this when i was younger
wow this actually helped a lot with visualizing what its like. i had absolutely no idea on how any of this sort of stuff is actually felt so this was an incredibly eye opening read, tysm!!
by eli!! 𓇉; ; Report