Not Afraid Anymore

(Lailoraa is deeply in love with her spouse and is writing down her thoughts in a notebook for him, in her room, on her bed. The letter is for him to read on their 3 month anniversary since he feels she doesn't express herself enough emotionally.) 

LAILORAA: You ever loved someone so much that you ran from it cause it felt surreal? You had no clue what the feeling was, but you were terrified of the consequences of falling for whatever the feeling is. Maybe even taking a step forward and seeing the persons soul even scares you. Scared you may find skeletons. Scared you may fuck up thinking they're like the rest. Have you ever sat and thought that maybe if one person understood exactly why its hard for you to accept loyalty and commitment, maybe they wont even try anymore? What if maybe you decided to love this person and they turn out to be different. You get butterflies every time you look at the person. You randomly admire every perfect flawless feature and flaw filled feature of what makes them who they are. You just stop for a a second and think, damn I’m happy. Why am i happy? I don't deserve this. But you give in, letting this person make love to your mind and uncover your soul and every bit of you  that was a secret that one person never once deserved. Yet you gave them the utmost respect and remained loyal to the wrong person Now this one person scares you because they opened the book and now they're reading every page and every chapter of you that has remained unknown for yeas. You probably think that instead of them continuing to read the book, they're just going to get bored, shut it, and put it back on the shelf. i got issues, Baby, and you got them too. Theirs things you don’t know about me and i feel you should know. When i love, i love hard, and my love runs deep. My heart melts for you and every drip is a word DESCRIBING a word that expresses my deep, passionate, flame-filled love for you. I cant begin to imagine life without you, and if i had to, i would imagine myself dean d and gone. Have you ever thought that one day if i gave my you my mind you can read my soul, and if i gave you my heart you can love my mind? What if i let myself love you, will you hurt me? My heart has been torn apart, stepped on, set on fire, and shot. My fear of loving you has nothing to do with us, it has to do with my past. I’m scared that if you love me in a way I’ve never been loved before, i may walk away and leave your heart outside your chest. I’m scared that i may become who hurt me. The man who hurt me emotionally and physically, he was a man I trusted. This man was the first ever man i thought i loved. he would degrade me, calling me names and tell me i will never be good enough. I was blinded by the way he looked at me as if i was the only girl in he world and how he told me he was the only man i ever needed and will ever be with. He would smack me if i ever deceived him. He would make me walk with my head down everywhere we went together. The same way you look at me he did, and it scares me because when I look at you I see him, but you’re different and you treat me like the queen I am. I’ve never been loved like this before. Something overcomes me every moment we spend together, when I’m with you baby my life switches around, I have no fear and I’m lost in happiness with you. I’m comfortable. I’m scared that i may love you. I’m terrified of not being able to go a day without you. Ive tried so many ways to explain to you why its hard for me to express my emotions and be more affectionate towards you, and its because I’m scared, scared that i may not be able to be happy. I’m sorry for being difficult and for the record I’m madly and dangerously in love with you. I am not afraid anymore. 

(She drops the pen and cries, tearing the paper out and sealing it in an envelope)