partys & friends D:

alright, i dunno if i will write regularly or forget this exist, i don't even know what i'm suposed to write...? ig i need somewhere to vent so i don't even care if anybody is going to read this.

I don't have friends. i could but like, why  is it so complicated to maintain friendships? in my current friendgroup i'm not really in. i had my best friend, but our contact kind of vanished with time, and i was okay with it since it wasn't the first time and i didn't really care anymore, but it was just so frikn exhausting to keep up with the fights and them never apologizing. So one day we were fighting again and we decided to not be friends anymore. But now i feel like everybody in our group hates me and besides that i don't have anyone in this group i talk to (with exception of my boyfriend). I startet going to the partys with them for my bf but soon realized; when i don't have fun at partys i get meltdowns and panic attacks. So i sit there, in some random room, having my meltdown and my bf doesn't realize bc hes too drunk and having fun. I mean i'm so glad when he's having a good time and enjoying it, but what tf am i supposed to do? i decided i don't want to go meet up with them. That's just not good for my mental health. But neither is sitting at home and worrying about what my bf might be doing. Not that i'd think he would cheat, i trust him, but like, is he okay? i don't want him to drink himself into a coma or be doing stupid stuff while drunk. and what are those b?atches talking about me behind my back. i know i might just be stupid and overthinking to much.. but i can't sit the whole summer at home with my anxiety overflowing xc

fuuuuuuuuuuu